NZME’s world-renowned football blog Goalmouth Scramble is back. Our rotating stable of football writers will offer daily hot takes on all the action from the World Cup in Qatar. Today, Winston Aldworth has unwittingly opened a portal to hell in the year 2030 — such are the risks for journalists
2022 Fifa World Cup: Goalmouth Scramble - Sneak preview of Fifa boss Gianni Infantino’s speech from 2030 World Cup opening ceremony
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Composite image showing Gianni Infantino (left) and Lucifer. Photo / AP
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“It is wonderful to see so many former heads of state from nations that once hosted the World Cup here today — and, of course, so many former Fifa officials and delegates. Also, big shout out to the entire creative team that produced the movie Frozen — kind of ironic-yet-predictable that you ended up in here, right?
“You might recall that some people were critical of Fifa’s decision to award the World Cup hosting rights to the Fiery Pits of Hell. It has been suggested that the ethical standards that apply in the Fiery Pits of Hell are inconsistent with the core beliefs espoused by Fifa and, indeed, basic human rights.
“Let me be very clear about Fifa’s moral code: because bad things have happened somewhere else at some time, none of us can ever judge bad things happening anywhere, ever.
“Some critics said the Fiery Pits of Hell have no authentic history in our sport — they say the Fiery Pits of Hell should be reserved for suffering and torment. These people have clearly never sat through a 0-0 draw at Prenton Park in late-January. Suffering and torment is the authentic history of our sport.
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“Critics of this tournament must recognise that football is the great unifier: It is not for us to judge the internal thought processes of despotic dictators, planet-melting petro-chemical billionaires, criminal warlords nor indeed Lucifer himself. Instead, let football bring us all together!
“These critics need to recognise the progress on human rights that are being made here in the Fiery Pits of Hell. The daily-death rate for migrant workers building stadiums has dropped to zero in the past six months! Zero dead stadium builders each day! Well done! On which note, congratulations to the stadium-building team who completed their work six months ago!
“Some people wondered if there would be alcohol available at this tournament. Well, they can relax: In hell, everyone drinks Budweiser.
“Finally, let me say that where critics of a World Cup hosted in the Fiery Pits of Hell see nothing but anguished souls sprawled — howling — across an eternity of fiery desolation, we at Fifa see a rich opportunity to spread the unifying message of football.”
*this piece is satire.
Previously, on Goalmouth Scramble:
Michael Burgess: The one thing that Qatar’s wealth can’t buy
Cameron McMillan: Just how good are opening World Cup games?
