KEY POINTS:
Some years back, Zsa Zsa Gabor was asked what she thought of the use of condoms. "Depends what's in it for me, dahhhling," she breathed.
As an actress of limited talent but a prolific wife - nine husbands and still counting - this piece of wit would seem to capture nicely the essence of La Gabor. Until you realise that she didn't say it at all. A journalist made it up but at least had the ethical nous to ring Zsa Zsa up and run the quote past her. She liked it, so it became fact.
The media are, quite rightly, berated should anyone make things up or when we publish rumour or just plain old get it wrong.
John Bracewell, Black Caps coach, has been copping it for pretty much the same thing after his cryptic message regarding a supposed ulterior motive for Adam Gilchrist being rested for the final Chappell-Hadlee match in Hobart.
His attempts to stir up the Australians were an illustration of how low New Zealand cricket has sunk at the moment.
There actually is some method in Bracewell's perceived madness. Poking them with the verbal equivalent of a sharp stick can work - remember, Shaun Tait went for 28 runs off three overs after he'd been goaded by the Kiwis re his action. Herald on Sunday columnist Mark Richardson also alluded to the tactic last week so it is clearly something that has been considered.
There's just one thing - you kind of need to win once you've flung the big talk around. Getting snotty with the Aussies might be a legitimate tactic but you look decidedly silly should you then lose.
The Black Caps have been good at losing lately. The confidence of some players is clearly shot. Many fans are now calling for Bracewell's head.
You also need to be highly skilled if you're going to play the 'clever clogs' game with the media and opponents. Let's face it, the New Zealand cricket team management does not have the skills to pull it off.
Bracewell dislikes the media - always has - but seems to delight in stirring up the Australians.
Some time ago, when I was covering the Auckland cricket team of which Bracewell was a dominant part, he took exception to something I had written.
By the force of his not inconsiderable personality, he marshalled most of the team into not talking to me.
On one occasion, when I was sitting at Eden Park watching Auckland bat, a member of the team with whom I was friendly came and sat next to me for a chat.
Bracewell spotted this transgression, glared at us and shouted something to his colleague who, after an uncomfortable pause, moved away.
Black Caps manager Lindsay Crocker didn't help much with his equally mysterious explanation of Braces' mysterious half-allegations re Gilchrist. Crocker it was who approached me on the boundary during a game in Tauranga once, when he was an opening batsman for Northern Districts. He had medium pacer Steve Scott in tow.
I had written - in a complimentary fashion, I thought - that while Scott's pace wouldn't terrify a team of 12-year-olds, he swung the ball a mighty distance and had done for Auckland in their provincial clash.
Crocker asked archly if I might like to pad up and face Scott in the nets, seeing I thought he wasn't up to much. I declined - the pitch in the net resembled the surface of the moon - and he wandered off, oblivious to the dubious benefits of attempting to roast a member of the media who had actually been positive about his team.
You may gather from all this that, even though they will have learned a lot in the intervening years, I don't really think either of these blokes should be mixing it with the media or the Aussies like this.
Let new skipper Daniel Vettori do it. He's intelligent, personable and knowledgeable and quite capable of holding his own.
His referring of media questions re Tait's action to Bracewell was a mistake - but shows how much Bracewell dominates the team. It also reveals how much we are missing Stephen Fleming. And Shane Bond. And even Peter Fulton whom I have long thought has the technique and mental ability to be a good opener in both forms of the game.
You can't look at the Black Caps and say Bracewell is selecting the wrong people. Maybe there is a case for not shuffling people around the batting order quite so much. But you'd have to say Bracewell isn't doing anything really wrong and that our national side is maybe heading into a bit of a dark cycle.
The test series against England - here and away next year - will be crucial for Bracewell. Win, and he leaves with a bit more of a legacy than being a losing Aussie-baiter.
But please, please, don't take the Poms on with any clever clogs stuff. Let the team do their talking on the field and let them do the talking off it, as well.
If not, New Zealand cricket risks looking like the contents of Zsa Zsa's condom.
