Chris Rattue: Red carpet for one-day stars

Inspired by the Oscars, Rattue is delighted to announce its own awards for the one-day cricket series involving Australia.

It's traditional to do these things after a series is over of course. But since the contest was well and truly over alarmingly early last Saturday at Eden Park, we've leapt in early.

And the categories are ...

BEST ACTOR

That thing on Michael Papps' head that was impersonating a helmet. The depth of the performance, and the feeling it brought to the part at Eden Park, was remarkable. Okay. So it was exposed on the 11th delivery as an imposter - Papps has got the lump to prove it. But up until then - magnificent.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY A NEWCOMER

Take your pick, from any Australian. Do they ever have a bad newcomer? Apparently not.

BEST OVERACTING

The Marshalls. They have taken this identical twin business way too far, both getting run out and by the same bloke in their first international together.

BEST MAKEUP

"Beaming" Brett Lee. Has an apology rate of 2.5 per series, the highest in cricket history. Some of his apologies have been timed by the radar at over 200km/h, which is way quicker than the Israeli Government for instance, although the snickometer detected an insincere edge to Lee's grovelling.

BEST CAMEO BY A MATINEE IDOL

To the debonair Stephen Fleming, who was reduced to a bit part when we needed him. One hates to be uncharitable about our much-respected captain, but what's gone wrong since his glorious charity knock in Christchurch? Remember that? (Maybe Warnie's glowing words took the edge off his game. That Warnie, he knows every trick in the book.) Fleming's supposed to be the main act.

ACTOR IN A SUPPORTING ROLE

The Black Caps' shrink. This reveals Rattue's obsessive mistrust about the worth of sport psychiatrists. But in evidence, your honour, may we present everyone in the entire history of sport who was any good . Put it this way. Sir Donald Bradman seemed to do okay without some fella having to give him all that positive reinforcement focusing twaddle.

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM

Any video of Black Caps coach John Bracewell. None of his major points seem to have much to do with the major point - the Aussies are brilliant and we're ****.

SPECIAL EFFECTS

The TV ads. Another testament to the wonders of modern film- making. Computer- generated "reality" at its absolute finest somehow makes the Black Caps look really good. A quantum leap forward from Gladiator.

SOUND MIXING

The Aussie selectors. They've worked out they can pick whoever they like and it doesn't matter one iota.

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD

Daryl Tuffey - it is some achievement taking what seemed to be a lifetime to bowl the first proper delivery of a match. Tuffey must have seen his cricket career flashing before his eyes over and over during that over.

BEST DIRECTION

Away from the test venues, unless you have a fascination with further bloodshed.

* * *

Double the trouble

What a moment for the Marshall family, with James joining his identical twin Hamish in the Black Caps.

And the twin factor has added another bit of intrigue to what has become a series full of twists and turns, even if the contest has turned into a flop.

Herald cricket writer Richard Boock has his own tale about separating the Marshalls, from when Hamish first won selection in the Black Caps.

At the time, James had the vastly superior domestic batting record. Hamish's record was so poor, in fact, that he had the lowest top score for a batter selected to play for New Zealand for 50-odd years.

Our man at the cricket suggested, tongue in cheek, that selection boss Sir Richard Hadlee and his cohorts might have committed one of the ultimate mix-ups and picked the wrong bloke.

Hadlee was incensed by the notion, and then New Zealand Cricket head Christopher Doig suggested strongly that the Herald man might not be worthy of a place covering the upcoming tour to South Africa.

Hamish Marshall was much more forgiving and later had a laugh with Boock over the article.

"At least, I think it was Hamish," says Boock.

* * *

Desperately seeking Mitch

Guess who said: "We've established the philosophy of the sort of coach we want. We want a young up-and-coming, new breed of coach with good experience."

None other than West Australian Rugby chairman Geoff Stooke, early on in the search for the first coach of the Perth-based Super 14 team.

Granted, John Mitchell has good experience, but as for the part about new breed, young and up-and-coming, it depends on your viewpoint. These are not descriptions you would usually apply to a former All Black coach who has been an assistant with England and already coached a Super 12 team.

One suspects that as the reality of putting a team out on the field came closer, Perth rugby chucked out all the fancy theories along with all the silly talk about Mitchell's image being a problem.

Perth went for what was clearly the best coaching candidate available.

As for image, the best look is a winning look. As simple as that, especially when you are trying to break new ground.

* * *

Wheeling and dealing

Rattue abstained when the applause rang out for Sarah Ulmer and Hamish Carter at the Halberg Awards.

Ever since the golden Olympic pair rode under the golden arches, it just hasn't seemed the same.

While they may have linked up with burger giant McDonald's in the name of salads and fitness, the fact is their image will help the image of the under-siege burger makers.

And the fast food pacesetters haven't made their squillions from selling lettuce leaves, nor by encouraging moderate eating of their products.

Ulmer and Carter should be lauded for their achievements and along with other sports and pop superstars are entitled to take the money on offer from the burger flippers. That's part of living in a free society. But as fast food sales people, they are aligning themselves with giant corporations which have made a major contribution to the poor nutrition of our societies.

And it is the youngsters who are most vulnerable to the influences of superstars.

Fast foods are high in sugar, salt, saturated fat and refined carbohydrates - the major diet baddies.

The results can be seen in a shopping mall near you. And they are not just physical - poor nutrition leads to behavioural problems and affects learning ability, concentration etc.

Ulmer, Carter and co. may believe they have made a fair choice.

But let's face it, after years of struggling for glory the money is the big attraction. They can't simply claim that they've done it as a health kick.