Black Caps v Australia: Why miking up players is a bad idea - Paul Lewis

OPINION

Let’s see... smartphones, Bluetooth, artificial intelligence, electric vehicles. The world is full of remarkable inventions - which makes you wonder about the genius who thought to put microphones on New Zealand batters so commentators could talk to them while they are batting.

I mean, come on - what was he or she thinking? On second thoughts, it can only have been a “he”. No woman would be callous enough and it makes me think of when fire was invented - men didn’t sit around thinking “great, now we can cook”. No, they thought: “Great, now we can see naked women when it’s dark.”

I think the inventor of this particular useless innovation must be descended from one of those blokes. It was bad enough losing to the Aussies in the recent T20 series. But listening to Kiwi batters trying to say something meaningful with one of the best teams in the world trying to get rid of them and a matey-matey commentator in their ears induced a cringe of such proportions it took 24 hours before my neck emerged from my shoulders again.

It also led to a moment of unintended tragi-comedy when Glenn Philips misunderstood the arrangement and asked the commentators not to speak when he was facing a ball. He clearly didn’t realise they would turn off the comms when he was actually batting. So, if you’re listening, TVNZ and New Zealand Cricket, give it away. It’s a horror. All it does is induce in the listener a great urge to turn the TV off to avoid seeing a man tortured.

We all understand television’s drive to get inside - right inside - the action but all this does is make normally lucid batters sound like people with stunted personalities. They aren’t about to say anything worthwhile. They’ve got a game to win... or lose. Why add this burden? What do we expect them to say? “I hope I’m down the other end when that bloody Mitchell Starc is bowling. His bouncer scares the crap out of me.”

No, all our batters can do is mumble something that sounds like English but might as well be in Uzbek for all the clarity or insight it brings the viewing audience. It just looks, sounds and smells like an invasion of privacy.

This whole business of miking up players and coaches is made up of three parts of TV’s desperation to entertain the masses and one part desire by some producer to win some kind of award for inventiveness. I can only refer that man to the speech given by UK comedian Johnny Vegas, who in his slightly unhinged way is a very funny man, when he won a TV award. He said: “I’d like to thank me mam and dad. Without them, I wouldn’t have low self-esteem and have to follow this empty and shallow profession.”

Miking up the athletes works in some environments, notably golf. The players there have a long walk between shots, ideal for being wired up and having a conversation which makes some sense. Some of those of more extroverted bent seem to do quite well in their round after chatting to the TV people.

It doesn’t work in cricket, or not with batters anyway. I wonder what would happen if they miked up Kane Williamson. Never known for his verbal patter, I think Cap’n Kane might agree to wear the mike but drop the earbuds in the loo on the way to the pitch, pretending they weren’t working when he was live.

So, this is a plea to those in and around the Black Caps camp: when it is next time to roll the pitch, please just slip all the mics under the roller. Problem solved.

Paul Lewis has been a journalist since the last ice age. Sport has been a lifetime pleasure and part of a professional career during which he has written four books, and covered Rugby World Cups, America’s Cups, Olympic & Commonwealth Games and more.