Rodney and Del Boy wouldn't stand a chance at the Barras, a mighty East End gem of a market selling everything from car parts to baby buggies and fur coats. The atmosphere alone is priceless.
C is for Chewing the Fat
Nobody talks as much - or as quickly - as Glaswegians. Take a trip on the Clockwork Orange, arguably the friendliest underground system in the world, and hark at the strange phenomenon that is conversing with thy neighbour.
D is for Drookit
Or "soaked to the skin", which is what you may be if you forget to pack a brolly. The city averages 76mm of rainfall in July, and is so famous for its inclement weather that local band Deacon Blue called their first album Raintown in homage.
E is for Edinburgh
The capital of Scotland. It's only a 50-minute hop by train - just don't tell the locals you've been. The rivalry between the two cities is intense.
F is for Fitba
Or football. Glasgow/Edinburgh rivalry is surpassed only by the Old Firm, the sectarian derby of Celtic and Rangers, the city's top football teams (with apologies to Partick Thistle).
G is for Green
Glasgow is Gaelic for "dear green place", thanks to its abundance of parks - try Glasgow Green, Kelvingrove or the Botanic Gardens.
H is for Horseshoe Bar
The city's biggest watering hole and just staggering distance from the last train home at Central Station. An ideal place to "tak a drink" - mine's a whisky and Irn Bru.
I is for Independence
A subject best avoided. Glaswegians have been debating the subject for more than 300 years.
J is for Jokes
Wegies like a laugh. But style yourself on The Big Yin - Billy Connolly - not Frankie Boyle if the aim is not to offend.
K is for The Krankies
The husband-and-wife comedy double act of Ian and "Wee Jimmy".
L is for Lassies
A local term for ladies. "Glesga wummin" are a breed apart, noted for their feistiness and not to be messed with.
M is for Mars Bar
It has become something of an urban myth, but some places still deep fry them. Rumour has it there's a chippy on West Nile St that can satisfy the urge.
N is for Nightlife
Glasgow's geographical position means it is still light until 10.30pm. The Sub Club, a sweaty, cavernous nightspot below ground level, has been a Glasgow institution for 25 years.
O is for Opening Ceremony
Rod Stewart and Subo are on the bill in the Celtic Park performance.
P is for "Peely-wally"
The skin hue of choice for the Glaswegian, or "pale and sickly". If you want to blend in, stock up on pies and sit in a bath of cold milk for that just-seen-daylight look.
Q is for Queue
Normal British customs apply. Get in line or pucker up for a Glasgow Kiss (head-butt).
R is for Red Faces
... which is what the poor Scottish athletes will be offsetting their peely-wally pins with when they parade at the opening ceremony in their flowery blouses and tartan shawl ensemble.
S is for Supper
A Glaswegian term meaning "served with chips", not an early-evening meal.
T is for "Taps Aff"
Or: "Time to remove your upper-body garments."
U is for Ubiquitous Chip
... or "The Chip", as the locals call it. A fixture on the city's culinary scene since 1971, and actually an upmarket West End eatery.
V is for Vernacular
In Glasgow, the tiniest smattering of local lingo will go a long way. Otherwise you may find yourself scunnered (disgusted) when a nippy sweetie (irritable, sharp-tongued person) asks if it is always dreich (dull, overcast and drizzly) where you come from.
W is for Wardrobe
Pack a cagoule and a brolly, some black opaque tights and typical spring or autumn outfits. The average July and August temperature is 19C.
X is for eXit
Take the High Road to Loch Lomond and the Trossachs for breathtaking scenery, just 45 minutesaway.
Y is for Yummy
The national dish of haggis may not be for the squeamish, but it is tasty. And once you've eaten a white-pudding supper (oatmeal-based savoury pudding), you'll never want to bother with fish again.
Z is for Zero
The chance you have of passing yourself off as Wegie if you are from anywhere south of Kilmarnock.
