Divorce coaching helps people prepare for legal advice and mediation, make informed decisions and, when children are involved, find the words to explain that their parents are separating.
When a marriage is on the rocks, people are forced to make life-changing decisions when they feel least equipped to make them. Divorce coaching offers practical support through the uncertainty.
By the time someone meets a lawyer or mediator, they may already be carrying months or years of hurt, fear and uncertainty. They may have a letter they cannot answer, financial information they cannot understand, or decisions to make about their children.
Sometimes, they are still sitting with whether separation is what they want.
Most people know lawyers, counsellors and mediators can help. Far fewer know that a coach can help them prepare for those conversations.
“They often think they’re on their own,” says Nikki Bould, co-founder of the Aotearoa Divorce and Separation Institute (ADSI). “They don’t know that there are people who can help.”
Despite its name, divorce coaching is not only for people ending a marriage. It may support someone considering their relationship, preparing to leave, moving through separation or rebuilding afterwards.
Some clients approach co-founder Kimberlee Sweeney with a question rather than a decision: “Do I stay and work on this marriage, or do I leave?”
Coaching provides a confidential place to think without being told what to do. It can help people clarify priorities, organise information and communicate constructively.
“A lot of what we do is communication coaching,” Sweeney says. “We teach clients how to manage conflict and communicate in a healthy way.”
The distinction between coaching and advice is important. Divorce coaches do not provide legal or financial advice, offer therapy or encourage clients to separate.
Even when a coach is also a lawyer, mediator or financial professional, they must remain within the scope of the role they are performing.
“We wear the right hat for the right job,” Sweeney says.
Rather than supplying answers, coaches help clients regain confidence to make their own decisions, referring to other professionals when specialist advice is needed.
A client who has worked through the emotional fog, gathered information and identified what matters can participate more fully with a lawyer or mediator.
“We are very much in the preparation-for-process space,” Bould says. “We help people get ready, whether they’re working with lawyers, preparing for mediation or managing parts of the separation themselves.”
That preparation can be especially valuable when children are involved. Coaches may help parents prepare for conversations with their children, manage reactive communication and consider what a workable co-parenting relationship could look like.
Separation can bring out uncharacteristic behaviour in otherwise caring people, Bould says. Hurt, betrayal and fear can make it difficult to respond calmly, while conflict that existed during the relationship may intensify once parents are living separately.
“It’s not separation that harms the children,” she says. “It’s the conflict between the parents that harms the children.”
ADSI works alongside family lawyers, mediators, mental health professionals, financial specialists and other affiliates. Sweeney says the relationship is deliberately collaborative: coaching fills a gap without displacing the professionals already supporting a client.
Among those affiliates are Lane Neave lawyers Andy Bell and Gabrielle Thompson. The firm advises on relationship property, trusts and estates and shares ADSI’s commitment to helping people navigate separation without unnecessary conflict.
Coaching focuses on what a client can control, including how they communicate and respond. Although it is easier when both parents are willing to engage, change remains possible when only one does.
“We don’t have to change the behaviour of the other person,” Bould says. “Even one person responding differently can change the pattern between them.”
A clearer standard
The emotional vulnerability that can accompany separation also makes trust important.
‘Divorce coach’ is not a protected title in New Zealand, and the wider coaching field has no dedicated statutory regulator. People using the title may therefore have markedly different levels of training, experience and accountability.
Bould and Sweeney established ADSI to give the public and referring professionals a clearer way to identify suitably trained practitioners. ADSI does not regulate every divorce coach in New Zealand; it is a professional membership body that sets and enforces standards for its own members.
Prospective members must hold recognised specialist certification and demonstrate their coaching competencies. Those accepted agree to follow ADSI’s Code of Ethics and Professional Standards, continue their professional development and meet supervision requirements.
There is also a process for raising concerns or complaints, with membership consequences where standards are not met.
“We’ve done the hard work and the due diligence for you,” Bould says.
ADSI’s Find a Coach directory reflects the variety within the profession. Members bring different backgrounds, specialities and lived experiences, and most work online, meaning clients do not need to choose solely by location.
Each directory member offers a complimentary introductory call. ADSI encourages people to speak with several coaches before deciding who feels like the right fit.
Asked what lies at the heart of divorce coaching, Bould says: “You can be surrounded by people and advice and still feel completely alone. We walk beside you until you can see your own way forward.”
Visit www.adsi.org.nz to learn more or find a certified ADSI coach.
This ADSI campaign is sponsored by Lane Neave.