Lee Suckling: The sex 'scene' that most appeals in your 40s

• Warning: Explicit sexual content

As long as everyone is consenting, engaging in any kind of sexual fantasy is legitimate, writes Lee Suckling.

If you know nothing about BDSM (bondage-discipline, dominance-submission, and sadism-masochism), it can be a scary and uncomfortable topic. BDSM can involve experiments in rules, control, pain, and humiliation, and it can be far more intimidating than what the Fifty Shades version of it would lead you to believe.

In a study of 200 people interested in BDSM published earlier this year, the average age of people who enjoy some form of the sexual practice is 41. It was found that those who engage in BDSM activities (particularly the dominant partner) have overall higher sexual satisfaction than the mainstream "vanilla" public, and actually better overall mental health.

As long as everyone is consenting, engaging in any kind of sexual fantasy is legitimate. The aforementioned study adds to a growing body of scientific evidence that consensual BDSM experiences are a healthy way to express desires in a safe environment.

There's a definite assumption in society that BDSM is something for the "strange few", not the many. Yet studies have found that between 10 and 50 per cent of people have engaged in some form of BDSM, and a significant extra number fantasise about it but haven't tried.

There are several things about BDSM that an E.L. James novel won't teach you.

You'll probably be most surprised to learn that it doesn't always involve sex. It can, but some people who enjoy aspects of BSDM don't want to touch, penetrate or be penetrated, or reach orgasm. It can be about sensations, feelings, and emotions, and they can be just as intense as what you'd experience during sex (but don't necessarily have to involve it).

BDSM is also not a form of an abusive relationship. As mentioned, it's supposed to be consensual and enjoyed by everyone, and it's mere playing with certain ideas around things like sadism (inflicting pain or humiliation) and masochism (enjoying it).

Oh, and all people into BDSM loathe that Christian Grey had a childhood abuse storyline in those books; it simply reinforced the false narrative that BDSM pleasure is derived from being "broken" when you were younger.

In reality, BDSM is indulging in the fantasy without the horrific realities of abuse, and although you may buy into the "it's a slippery slope" tripe, the scientific research suggests that isn't so for those who actually participate.

The key reason for this is that in all genuine BDSM relationships, there's always an "out". Anybody can always say no, at any time, and that will be respected. You might have heard the phrase "safe word" – generally that's the key. You might be experimenting with something, feel uncomfortable proceeding, so you'll say "pineapple" (or something else completely unrelated) to signal that you want to stop immediately. This is an extremely positive behaviour that could be taken into more "vanilla" sex lives – we should all have safe words in a world where consent is fluid and can be revoked at any time.

A BDSM experience isn't actually called a sexual encounter. It's referred to as a "scene". It's about a certain mindset that you get in and enjoy for a period of time; like performing a scene in a play. When it's over, it's over: the curtains have closed. Not everybody who's into BDSM has a closet full of leather, whips, and chains either. That's a total Hollywood fabrication – anyone who has ever looked at the prices of BDSM gear will know a full armoury (like what you see in the movies) would cost tens of thousands of dollars.

A BDSM scene can be realised with a single sex toy, a pair of cheap furry handcuffs, or even just dirty talk and no peripherals at all. If the idea of going into a sex dungeon frightens the hell out of you, that's okay too! Most people's scenes never leave their bedroom in their own home.

While the Fifty Shades effect has drawn a lot of attention to BDSM (and the Netflix show Bonding is doing the same at the moment), it's important not to take these sources as BDSM canons. If you want to try being tied up (or tying somebody up), don't go to your TV to learn how. That's how accidents happen.

Instead, do your reading online and in real life. There are huge communities on the web ready to teach you how to dip your toes in safely. Another great source of information are annual sex conventions: everybody manning those stalls and selling their products are highly approachable, knowledgeable, and nonjudgemental. You can also get a similar experience at your high street sex shop – despite the misconception that BDSM is a seedy and underground fetish, you can quickly learn it's anything but.