Jim Hopkins: So you think our 'aka is a bit whacky?

Key Points:

Once upon a time in Coronation Street ...

SCENE One

: The gorgeous Hayley, wife of Roy, is alone at a table in the empty cafe, morosely dipping her tearstained hanky into a steaming mug of tea then sucking its comforting corner until she is interrupted by her husband ...

Roy: 'Ullo, our 'ayley.

Hayley (tearfully): 'Ullo, our Roy ... (Sniff)

Roy: 'Ee, bai gum, our 'ayley, Y'look as 'appy as Ricky Stuart at the end of the World Cup final. Is summat wrong, luv?

Hayley: Is summat wrong!?!? Is summat wrong!?!? What d'you think? Honestly, Roy, if you're going to be that thick you should wear a poncho everywhere!!! That way folk'll 'ave fair warning when they see you cumming.

Roy: Not if I were in Peru, our 'ayley.

Hayley: I'll ignore that, our Roy. But, since you ask, there is summat wrong!!! I don't usually sit 'ere, glumly suckin' the dampened corner of me hanky in a unsuccessful attempt to find sum consolation. do I?

Roy: 'Ee, bai gum, I don't know, luv. I'm usually too busy wurrying about the world financial crisis - or working in the kitchen. (Pause) Which reminds me. I'd better get back. I've got sum rissoles in the oven.

Hayley: I'm glad sumbody's got summat in the oven, 'cos I certainly haven't.

Roy: What d'you mean, luv?

Hayley: What do I mean, luv? Y'know perfectly well what I mean - unless your 'ead's as empty as that big rugby ball they've just blown up in London.

Roy: I blame the IRA ...

Hayley: I'll ignore that as well, Roy. But only because I've got more on me plate than the intimidating folk dances of the South Pacific.

Roy: Like what, our 'ayley?

Hayley: Like this, our Roy. As you well know, 'aving been my faithful 'usband these many years past, except for that frightful night you found illicit solace in the brazen arms of Tracy Barlow ...

Roy: I didn't, luv!!!!

Hayley Well, you probably should 'ave, Roy, because, as you well know, I am a woman who used to be a man who can't be a mother ... but has been a father!!!!

Roy (ashen-faced); 'Ee, bai gum, luv!! I don't believe it!!!

Hayley: Neither did I at first, but it's true! Apparently, before I 'ad the operation, I 'ad an inclination for procreation which has seen my non-existent loins bear fruit!!!

Roy: Would y' like me to bottle them, our 'ayley?

Hayley: I'll bottle you if you're not careful! Honestly, Roy, sum times I think you'd make more sense if you was doing an 'aka!!!

Roy: 'Eee, bai gum, lass! I've never paid for sex in my life, not even when I was young on the Red Rec.

Hayley: I said 'aka, not 'ooka. Not that you'd know the difference, any road. But the point is - unless the poignant irony of the situation has also escaped you - I am the parent that you can never be!!!! How does that make you feel, our Roy?

Roy: 'Ee, bai gum, I don't know, our 'ayley! I suppose I'd got used t' the fact that I were never going to be father of the bride but it's a shock to discover that me bride is a father!!!

Hayley buries her head and sobs tragically.

Roy: 'Ee, bai gum, I wouldn't wurry too much, our 'ayley. You are in a serial, after all. These things do 'appen in serials.

Hayley (wailing): But not to me!!!!!!!!

Roy: Wait a moment, luv!!! I've'ad a brainwave ...

Hayley (amazed); You 'ave?!?!

Roy: Aye! I 'ave! Y'know what folk are like round 'ere. They won't stop talking about this until Mr John Key turns up and discovers Les Battersby is his long-lost brother. So let's 'ave a break, luv! Go away. Somewhere nice, like New Zealand ...

Hayley: Ridiculous. We can't go there!!!!

Roy: Why not? It's clean and green.

Hayley: Aye, and we'd be clean out of green by the time we arrived.'Ave you not been watching the news, our Roy? They've just slapped a 10 per cent surcharge on all flights to New Zealand.

Roy: Is that in retaliation for the 'aka?

Hayley: I don't know. But I do know it spells disaster for the tourism industry in that recession-plagued land.

Roy: I shouldn't think so, luv. They're pretty resourceful in them parts. My guess is they'll cum up with summat clever, like a

$250 discount voucher for bungee jumps and such.

Hayley: Bai gum, bai 'eck, our Roy, you're not just a pretty face, are you, luv?

Roy (thoughtful); No, I'm not. Speaking of which, you don't 'ave a phone number for that girl - y' know, the one you got pregnant when you were a man before you were a woman. I might see if she wants to go to New Zealand for a discount bungee jump ...

Hayley: Bai 'eck, our Roy, I'll 'ave to 'ave a lie down. I feel a storyline coming on ...