What to do when the sparkle in your relationship dies

Young couples are increasingly seeking help with relationships before they get into strife.

In the past, says Nelson counsellor Mary Jaksch, relationship counselling was a last resort.

But in the past five years a growing number of couples in their 20s and 30s have been keen to develop skills to cope with future changes, such as having a child, buying a house or setting up a business.

"There seems to be a sense among younger couples of wanting to enhance the relationship before getting into difficulties. They can see that with more skills they can avoid what they saw happen to their parents."

Auckland counsellor Tanya Neary says younger people seem more willing than their elders to seek help, both individually and as a couple.

Some want to grapple with differences they believe could cause future conflict, others want help before starting a new relationship.

The stigma once attached to relationship counselling seems to be disappearing, especially among men. Now they are often the ones initiating the appointments.

But Val Boag, clinical leader of Relationship Services, says those seeking help before problems start remain a minority - something she would like to see change.

"You don't wait for your car to break down before you get it fixed. You keep it in good running order all the time. It should be the same with relationships."

A number of couples take part in the service's education programme dealing with issues such as conflict resolution, budgeting, sex and the birth of a first child.

Some are asked to attend by the minister who is going to marry them.

Viv Maidaborn, chief executive of Relationship Services, says an active approach to maintaining healthy relationships has become even more important since the introduction of the Property (Relationships) Act in February.

The act covers married, de facto and same-sex partnerships of three years or more. If a couple separate, it will effectively split their property down the middle, unless they have signed alternative legal arrangements.

"One of the things we like about the legislation is it does create an incentive for people to get very real about what they are doing," says Ms Maidaborn.

Nationally her service is seeing a lot more young people, but not necessarily couples. It may be a 13-year-old struggling in relationships with his peers and classmates.

"All of us live at high levels of stress and pressure. Relationships change more quickly. Fifty years ago people lived in situations that were more family centred ... now there are peer groups, education groups, sports groups, they are all different people."

fuqa What are some of the signs a relationship needs outside help? * If you've stopped talking to each other.

* You fight more often.

* You've started creating a life for yourself that does not include your partner.

* Your sex life takes a dive.

What are the most common relationship problems? A lack of intimacy is the biggest issue for most couples, says Ms Jaksch, who is running seminars around the country on practical ways for people to improve their relationships.

While relationships often start with a high level of passion, intimacy and commitment tend to grow as the relationship develops. Over time, lack of attention to the relationship can lead to a decline in intimacy.

"People can feel lonely. How they experience life is not seen or experienced by the other partner. They may reach a kind of gridlock and not know the way forward."

For some it may come down to boredom and frustration. Although they want to stay together, the "sparkle" has gone.

"Most couples think they have been dealt the cards and that's it. They feel kind of helpless. But there are skills and strategies you can use to strengthen what is working in your relationship."

That may mean learning to treasure the differences between you or discovering new ways of handling situations.

Mrs Boag says the biggest issue for people using Relationship Services is communication. Often an objective third person is enough.