Violence 'curse' defeated

It took 10 years for Vic Tamati's youngest daughter to forgive him for the violence he inflicted on her during her childhood.
He beat her until she was 8, along with taking his violence out on his five other children, wife, mother and in-laws.
"She never said it either. Never said 'I forgive you'. But how I knew that she had is that she lets me look after her daughter now. Now there is that trust," he said at the Masterton office of Stopping Violence Services.
"That's a good and a bad thing. Because I should have had that relationship and that trust with my daughter, not just now with my granddaughter."
Mr Tamati, the face of the It's Not OK campaign, is in Masterton to promote his anti-family violence message.
It is his fourth visit to Wairarapa and this time he is taking his message and his story to groups of violent Wairarapa men, as well as to Makoura College students, police and corrections staff.
Well-known as the man with the "love" tattoo on his fist from the dramatic anti-violence TV ads, he said up until 1992 all he knew in life was violence, first against him and then from him.
"I think of it as a curse. A curse that was handed down to me by my grandfather and my mother ... and people used to say 'Man, you're just like your grandfather' and I used to think that was great, to be like him. But I was doing that violence to my 8-year-old girl. Where's the mana in that?"
He has since healed the rifts caused by his violence with his wife and children, but now fears for his family in a different way, especially his 3-year-old granddaughter.
He said in 2008, there were 80,000 police call-outs nationally involving family violence, but that was just the tip of the iceberg, with 80 per cent of incidents going unreported.
"What are the odds of my granddaughter getting a good guy? I don't want her growing up and having a choice of a violent guy or a more violent guy or a bit less violent guy ... I do not want my granddaughter growing up and marrying a guy like me."
Wairarapa Family Violence Network co-ordinator Gerry Brooking said Mr Tamati was a valuable resource agencies here could use to get the anti-violence message across.
"It's because of his story firstly. Because of the abuse that he suffered and then the abuse he inflicted. But it's also his look. He's a big Samoan guy and that really draws people in, men particularly, because he looks staunch and tough but he's non-violent.
"If [people] can see someone like Vic then they know that change is possible. And that's what it's about."
She said that message was slowly getting across, with a 30 per cent reduction in family violence in Wairarapa since midway last year.
A multi-agency Intervention Group was proactive in addressing family violence cases as soon as they were made aware of them, and a dedicated court was starting to see fewer repeat offenders.
"We try to get to people at the start, rather than picking them up when they get to the court or when they are with the police."
Mr Tamati said people were always approaching him in the street to ask if he was that "love" man from the TV ads.
"It happens all the time and lets me know how bad the problem is. It's overwhelmingly sad when women come up to me and say 'it's good what you're doing'. Because there's a story behind that. I just want to help."
Mr Tamati hopes to one day establish men's centres in cities and towns throughout the country to provide them with a place to go - and as a refuge - to seek help and break with their violence.