Paremoremo Prison ... few condiments and no gum chewing.
Shock and amusement have become almost parallel reactions for me as I continue on life's journey stimulated daily by news reports that invoke one or both of those responses.
As I sat recovering from the shock findings of the latest British research that showed practically every woman on the planet is either lesbian or bisexual and "never straight" I was soon after returned to a state of high humour reading a list of prohibited items compiled by the Department of Corrections for those languishing in our jails.
Some were obvious such as hacksaw blades, power tools and razors.
It would after all be a bit silly to allow lifers to wander round willy-nilly with an angle grinder, an electric chainsaw or an old-timer's cut-throat razor.
But some of the other banned items were a bit harder to fathom, although I am sure there would be a Corrections officer somewhere who could build a convincing case as to why they must not be allowed under any circumstance.
Try mustard, curry powder, fruit juice, honey, musical greetings cards and tracing paper.
Just too bad, old boy, if you have chosen cordon bleu cookery as a means of wiling away those countless hours being spent at Her Majesty's pleasure.
It just does not cut the mustard to expect too many condiments as pepper is also on the no-go list - that I assume is a decision made in light of its obvious effectiveness at near blinding someone when it is tossed into eyes.
Strangely enough the printed list I saw - and it must surely have been an abbreviated one - didn't mention guns, knives or baseball bats. It did however list nail varnish and remover - presumably for women's prisons although with rugby players now wearing mascara it could be wise to ban the aforementioned at Paremoremo and Mount Eden - and "leather-like clothing".
I could think of nothing worse should I have the misfortune to be incarcerated than being approached as a rookie prisoner by an old lag strutting about in lederhosen with brightly red-painted fingernails sprinkled with glitter.
I would feel forced to hold him at bay with a feather duster, if they are not on the banned list.
Battery-powered toothbrushes and mouthwash are out too.
That's not unreasonable and I would suggest manual toothbrushes must be closely monitored, also, as I have been told they can be fashioned into quite lethal weapons but it is somewhat comforting to know that prisoners are not barred from using everything connected with dental hygiene.
No toothbrushes, toothpicks or mouthwash would be a breeding ground for halitosis, more commonly known to us laymen as stinking breath.
Incidentally it was a condition German dictator Adolf Hitler suffered from, according to those poor women who had to take dictation from him.
The more I write about this the more determined I am becoming to steer clear of a prison sojourn.
It is with some satisfaction that I note Corrections has had the good sense to ban chewing gum in jail.
I don't know why they stop there, Corrections should show some leadership on gum and build a case to take to central government calling for a nationwide ban on it.
A Private Members' Bill would be perfect, a conscience vote on whether gum should disappear would be apt.
If I was not in jail - and was instead a member of that illustrious chamber called Parliament - I would have no hesitation in voting gum down.
Our footpaths would thank us and we would no longer be subjected to the revolting sight of gum-chewing shop assistants, office staff, airline hostesses, civil servants, journalists and assorted others giving us uncouth displays of open-mouthed bad manners.
So, on this one particular item, we must adopt the shining example being set in our prisons and refrain from gum chewing, believe me the world would be a better place.