Steve Braunias: The secret diary of The Hole

Come with me now on a journey to the centre of the earth. Photo / Michael Craig

STEVEN JOYCE

Come with me now, bold traveller, on a descent into a great unknown land. I have a flaming torch. I will hold it aloft no matter what dangers may come our way, for it will light our way to an unimaginably vast cavern - to an abyss of imponderable darkness - to a very big hole.

Come with me now on a journey to the centre of the earth.

BILL ENGLISH

I said to the doctors, "He's in there. He's been lighting matches all day, and talking to himself. Don't frighten him."

STEVEN JOYCE

I came to the volcano known as Mt Robertson. Its dark crater belched black smoke, and there were lava flows.

BILL ENGLISH

They managed to take his temperature. He was burning up.

STEVEN JOYCE

Flushed with the fever of discovery, I set out to make my descent of the terrifying cavity.

BILL ENGLISH

They tried holding him down, but he put up a struggle. He wasn't going to go quietly, that was for sure.

STEVEN JOYCE

I felt rough hands on me as I scaled the crater and yet it came as no surprise, for I expected savages would try to hold me back and prevent me from seeing the entry to their evil subterranean pit.

BILL ENGLISH

They pinned him in a straitjacket. It was a pitiful sight.

STEVEN JOYCE

I had the strength of 10 tigers, and easily shook off their lunges. Nothing would stop me. With the flaming stick aloft, I continued my descent.

BILL ENGLISH

They shone a torch into his eyes.

STEVEN JOYCE

I made soundings in an attempt to calculate the depth of the hole. I estimated it at 11.7 billion metres.

BILL ENGLISH

The doctors shook their heads, and said, "The patient is in a very dark place."

STEVEN JOYCE

I began to wonder if anyone would ever believe that I had made a journey to the centre of the earth.

BILL ENGLISH

They said, "Come in and see if you can reach him. Don't be afraid. He's heavily sedated."

STEVEN JOYCE

My enemies would laugh at my claims, and say that I was a fool.

BILL ENGLISH

I stood beside him and lay my hand on his head. Poor Steven. The stress of the election campaign, the polls, the effect of that dreadful woman - it was too much for him.

STEVEN JOYCE

I needed someone to back me up. I needed a friend.

BILL ENGLISH

Suddenly his eyes opened, and he bared his teeth.

STEVEN JOYCE

I couldn't go down that hole by myself. I couldn't face it alone.

BILL ENGLISH

He burst open the straitjacket. It was as though he had the strength of 10 tigers.

STEVEN JOYCE

My great friend, the esteemed scholar Professor English, called out! He said, "I'm coming with you! I will put my trust in you to the ends of the earth!"

BILL ENGLISH

He grabbed me by the wrists, and said, "You're coming with me!"

STEVEN JOYCE

I held him to my bosom in the darkness! "My dear Professor!", I said. "Together we will go down into the abyss!"

BILL ENGLISH

I screamed.

STEVEN JOYCE

We fell, and I screamed. We plummeted together, deep into the hole, down, down, down, into an infinity of darkness, as black as history.