NZ Herald
  • Home
  • Latest news
  • Herald NOW
  • Video
  • New Zealand
  • Sport
  • World
  • Business
  • Entertainment
  • Podcasts
  • Quizzes
  • Opinion
  • Lifestyle
  • Travel
  • Viva
  • Weather

Subscriptions

  • Herald Premium
  • Viva Premium
  • The Listener
  • BusinessDesk

Sections

  • Latest news
  • New Zealand
    • All New Zealand
    • Crime
    • Politics
    • Education
    • Open Justice
    • Scam Update
  • Herald NOW
  • On The Up
  • World
    • All World
    • Australia
    • Asia
    • UK
    • United States
    • Middle East
    • Europe
    • Pacific
  • Business
    • All Business
    • MarketsSharesCurrencyCommoditiesStock TakesCrypto
    • Markets with Madison
    • Media Insider
    • Business analysis
    • Personal financeKiwiSaverInterest ratesTaxInvestment
    • EconomyInflationGDPOfficial cash rateEmployment
    • Small business
    • Business reportsMood of the BoardroomProject AucklandSustainable business and financeCapital markets reportAgribusiness reportInfrastructure reportDynamic business
    • Deloitte Top 200 Awards
    • CompaniesAged CareAgribusinessAirlinesBanking and financeConstructionEnergyFreight and logisticsHealthcareManufacturingMedia and MarketingRetailTelecommunicationsTourism
  • Opinion
    • All Opinion
    • Analysis
    • Editorials
    • Business analysis
    • Premium opinion
    • Letters to the editor
  • Politics
  • Sport
    • All Sport
    • OlympicsParalympics
    • RugbySuper RugbyNPCAll BlacksBlack FernsRugby sevensSchool rugby
    • CricketBlack CapsWhite Ferns
    • Racing
    • NetballSilver Ferns
    • LeagueWarriorsNRL
    • FootballWellington PhoenixAuckland FCAll WhitesFootball FernsEnglish Premier League
    • GolfNZ Open
    • MotorsportFormula 1
    • Boxing
    • UFC
    • BasketballNBABreakersTall BlacksTall Ferns
    • Tennis
    • Cycling
    • Athletics
    • SailingAmerica's CupSailGP
    • Rowing
  • Lifestyle
    • All Lifestyle
    • Viva - Food, fashion & beauty
    • Society Insider
    • Royals
    • Sex & relationships
    • Food & drinkRecipesRecipe collectionsRestaurant reviewsRestaurant bookings
    • Health & wellbeing
    • Fashion & beauty
    • Pets & animals
    • The Selection - Shop the trendsShop fashionShop beautyShop entertainmentShop giftsShop home & living
    • Milford's Investing Place
  • Entertainment
    • All Entertainment
    • TV
    • MoviesMovie reviews
    • MusicMusic reviews
    • BooksBook reviews
    • Culture
    • ReviewsBook reviewsMovie reviewsMusic reviewsRestaurant reviews
  • Travel
    • All Travel
    • News
    • New ZealandNorthlandAucklandWellingtonCanterburyOtago / QueenstownNelson-TasmanBest NZ beaches
    • International travelAustraliaPacific IslandsEuropeUKUSAAfricaAsia
    • Rail holidays
    • Cruise holidays
    • Ski holidays
    • Luxury travel
    • Adventure travel
  • Kāhu Māori news
  • Environment
    • All Environment
    • Our Green Future
  • Talanoa Pacific news
  • Property
    • All Property
    • Property Insider
    • Interest rates tracker
    • Residential property listings
    • Commercial property listings
  • Health
  • Technology
    • All Technology
    • AI
    • Social media
  • Rural
    • All Rural
    • Dairy farming
    • Sheep & beef farming
    • Horticulture
    • Animal health
    • Rural business
    • Rural life
    • Rural technology
    • Opinion
    • Audio & podcasts
  • Weather forecasts
    • All Weather forecasts
    • Kaitaia
    • Whangārei
    • Dargaville
    • Auckland
    • Thames
    • Tauranga
    • Hamilton
    • Whakatāne
    • Rotorua
    • Tokoroa
    • Te Kuiti
    • Taumaranui
    • Taupō
    • Gisborne
    • New Plymouth
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Dannevirke
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Levin
    • Paraparaumu
    • Masterton
    • Wellington
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Blenheim
    • Westport
    • Reefton
    • Kaikōura
    • Greymouth
    • Hokitika
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
    • Wānaka
    • Oamaru
    • Queenstown
    • Dunedin
    • Gore
    • Invercargill
  • Meet the journalists
  • Promotions & competitions
  • OneRoof property listings
  • Driven car news

Puzzles & Quizzes

  • Puzzles
    • All Puzzles
    • Sudoku
    • Code Cracker
    • Crosswords
    • Cryptic crossword
    • Wordsearch
  • Quizzes
    • All Quizzes
    • Morning quiz
    • Afternoon quiz
    • Sports quiz

Regions

  • Northland
    • All Northland
    • Far North
    • Kaitaia
    • Kerikeri
    • Kaikohe
    • Bay of Islands
    • Whangarei
    • Dargaville
    • Kaipara
    • Mangawhai
  • Auckland
  • Waikato
    • All Waikato
    • Hamilton
    • Coromandel & Hauraki
    • Matamata & Piako
    • Cambridge
    • Te Awamutu
    • Tokoroa & South Waikato
    • Taupō & Tūrangi
  • Bay of Plenty
    • All Bay of Plenty
    • Katikati
    • Tauranga
    • Mount Maunganui
    • Pāpāmoa
    • Te Puke
    • Whakatāne
  • Rotorua
  • Hawke's Bay
    • All Hawke's Bay
    • Napier
    • Hastings
    • Havelock North
    • Central Hawke's Bay
    • Wairoa
  • Taranaki
    • All Taranaki
    • Stratford
    • New Plymouth
    • Hāwera
  • Manawatū - Whanganui
    • All Manawatū - Whanganui
    • Whanganui
    • Palmerston North
    • Manawatū
    • Tararua
    • Horowhenua
  • Wellington
    • All Wellington
    • Kapiti
    • Wairarapa
    • Upper Hutt
    • Lower Hutt
  • Nelson & Tasman
    • All Nelson & Tasman
    • Motueka
    • Nelson
    • Tasman
  • Marlborough
  • West Coast
  • Canterbury
    • All Canterbury
    • Kaikōura
    • Christchurch
    • Ashburton
    • Timaru
  • Otago
    • All Otago
    • Oamaru
    • Dunedin
    • Balclutha
    • Alexandra
    • Queenstown
    • Wanaka
  • Southland
    • All Southland
    • Invercargill
    • Gore
    • Stewart Island
  • Gisborne

Media

  • Video
    • All Video
    • NZ news video
    • Herald NOW
    • Business news video
    • Politics news video
    • Sport video
    • World news video
    • Lifestyle video
    • Entertainment video
    • Travel video
    • Markets with Madison
    • Kea Kids news
  • Podcasts
    • All Podcasts
    • The Front Page
    • On the Tiles
    • Ask me Anything
    • The Little Things
  • Cartoons
  • Photo galleries
  • Today's Paper - E-editions
  • Photo sales
  • Classifieds

NZME Network

  • Advertise with NZME
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • BusinessDesk
  • Newstalk ZB
  • Sunlive
  • ZM
  • The Hits
  • Coast
  • Radio Hauraki
  • The Alternative Commentary Collective
  • Gold
  • Flava
  • iHeart Radio
  • Hokonui
  • Radio Wanaka
  • iHeartCountry New Zealand
  • Restaurant Hub
  • NZME Events

SubscribeSign In
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.
Home / New Zealand

Steve Braunias: The Secret Diary of ... The Collins Gang

Steve Braunias
By Steve Braunias
Senior Writer·NZ Herald·
3 Sep, 2021 05:00 PM4 mins to read

Subscribe to listen

Access to Herald Premium articles require a Premium subscription. Subscribe now to listen.
Already a subscriber?  Sign in here

Listening to articles is free for open-access content—explore other articles or learn more about text-to-speech.
‌
Save

    Share this article

    Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.

Whitey drank hot coffee from a thermos at a table in the cafeteria at City Hall. No one was there. Photo / Robert Kitchin/Pool

Whitey drank hot coffee from a thermos at a table in the cafeteria at City Hall. No one was there. Photo / Robert Kitchin/Pool

Steve Braunias
Opinion by Steve Braunias
Steve Braunias writes for the Listener and Newsroom.
Learn more

OPINION:

MONDAY

Whitey Collins, leader of the Collins Gang, sat in her rocking chair and looked down from her attic window on the main street of Dodge. Townsfolk shuffled past wearing masks. There was a queue outside the supply store, and an even longer queue outside the saloon's bottle store.

The wind raised the corners of a poster stuck to the front of the post office. It read, HOWDY PARDNERS, STAY HOME AND STAY LIVES.

Whitey snorted. "Ain't no one can tell me what to do," she said, to the doll she held in her lap. The doll looked up at her with its glassy blue eyes. Whitey brushed its short fair hair. "You and me," said Whitey, "we gonna run this town one day. This town needs us. It surely does."

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

She sent for her carriage and gave the driver directions to City Hall. He hesitated. "But the plague, Whitey," he said. "It ain't right to be goin' no place durin' the plague."

She leaned forward, grabbed his whip, and cracked it over the horses. The carriage sped forward.

TUESDAY

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Whitey's footsteps echoed through the corridors of power at City Hall. No one was there.

She drank hot coffee from her thermos at a table in the cafeteria at City Hall. No one was there.

Discover more

World

Aussie state prepares for lockdown ... with zero cases

20 Aug 02:26 AM
Opinion

The most essential items for sale in lockdown, ranked

27 Aug 12:05 AM
New Zealand

Police deployed to golf course after sub-par prank

26 Aug 10:25 PM
New Zealand

No new cases in Wellington as possible lockdown lift looms

26 Aug 10:21 PM

She looked closely at her reflection in the bathroom mirrors in City Hall. No one was there.

WEDNESDAY

Indira Stewart from the Dodge Breakfast Gazette came to interview Whitey.

"What's your name?" she asked Whitey.

Whitey: "No, don't you try to interrupt. Let me say my piece." Photo / Robert Kitchin/Pool
Whitey: "No, don't you try to interrupt. Let me say my piece." Photo / Robert Kitchin/Pool

Whitey erupted, "Ain't none of ya business! This is a beat-up. I bet ya don't sass Sheriff Ardern like that! No, don't you try to interrupt. Don't you dare. Let me say my piece. Do me that much courtesy! Ya hear me? I said, d'ya hear me?"

Indira asked, "Are you all right?"

Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Whitey took out her rifle and fired at a barn door. She missed, but the loud retort of her Winchester excited her. She yelled, "Yeah, I'm all right! Why wouldn't I be? I'm married to the Pasifika community. I'm essential to the function and purpose of democracy. I'm Whitey Collins, leader of the Collins Gang, and they'll follow me to Hell and back! Ya hear me? I can say and do as I goddamn please!"

The reporter left the room. Whitey looked around her. No one was there – except her faithful and beautiful doll. She picked it up, and held it close. "You and me," she whispered. "You and me."

THURSDAY

Whitey called for a caucus of the Collins Gang. No one came.

She asked Doc Reti were they were. "They followed you to Hell," he said, "but they haven't found their way back."

FRIDAY

Whitey took the carriage back to Dodge. Back in her rocking chair in the attic, she stared out on to the street, and brushed her dolly's hair. "You and me," she crooned. "You and me."

Whitey caught her breath. She growled, "Don't you be saying that!"

She picked up the doll by its throat, and yelled, "I'm gonna give ya a spankin'! Oh yes I am! Ya hear me? I said, d'ya hear me?"

The doll stared up at her with its glassy blue eyes. Whitey held her gaze, and then stroked the doll's hair. Her tears fell on its face. "I'm sorry," she whispered. "I didn't mean it. I'm sorry."

Save

    Share this article

    Reminder, this is a Premium article and requires a subscription to read.

Latest from New Zealand

World

Luxon meets Xi Jinping, Russian drone attack, Trump on Iran | NZ Herald News Update

New Zealand|crimeUpdated

Nurse conned $112k from workmates for gigs, gambling

20 Jun 11:00 PM
Politics

Christopher Luxon raises Cook Islands impasse with Chinese Premier

20 Jun 10:02 PM

Jono and Ben brew up a tea-fuelled adventure in Sri Lanka

sponsored
Advertisement
Advertise with NZME.

Latest from New Zealand

Luxon meets Xi Jinping, Russian drone attack, Trump on Iran | NZ Herald News Update

Luxon meets Xi Jinping, Russian drone attack, Trump on Iran | NZ Herald News Update

Luxon meets Xi Jinping, Russian drone attack on two Ukrainian cities, Trump says Iran wants to speak to the US | NZ Herald News Update

Nurse conned $112k from workmates for gigs, gambling

Nurse conned $112k from workmates for gigs, gambling

20 Jun 11:00 PM
Christopher Luxon raises Cook Islands impasse with Chinese Premier

Christopher Luxon raises Cook Islands impasse with Chinese Premier

20 Jun 10:02 PM
Premium
'It was my calling': Inside the Taupō farm taming wild horses

'It was my calling': Inside the Taupō farm taming wild horses

20 Jun 10:00 PM
Help for those helping hardest-hit
sponsored

Help for those helping hardest-hit

NZ Herald
  • About NZ Herald
  • Meet the journalists
  • Newsletters
  • Classifieds
  • Help & support
  • Contact us
  • House rules
  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms of use
  • Competition terms & conditions
  • Our use of AI
Subscriber Services
  • NZ Herald e-editions
  • Daily puzzles & quizzes
  • Manage your digital subscription
  • Manage your print subscription
  • Subscribe to the NZ Herald newspaper
  • Subscribe to Herald Premium
  • Gift a subscription
  • Subscriber FAQs
  • Subscription terms & conditions
  • Promotions and subscriber benefits
NZME Network
  • The New Zealand Herald
  • The Northland Age
  • The Northern Advocate
  • Waikato Herald
  • Bay of Plenty Times
  • Rotorua Daily Post
  • Hawke's Bay Today
  • Whanganui Chronicle
  • Viva
  • NZ Listener
  • Newstalk ZB
  • BusinessDesk
  • OneRoof
  • Driven Car Guide
  • iHeart Radio
  • Restaurant Hub
NZME
  • About NZME
  • NZME careers
  • Advertise with NZME
  • Digital self-service advertising
  • Book your classified ad
  • Photo sales
  • NZME Events
  • © Copyright 2025 NZME Publishing Limited
TOP