Steve Braunias: The secret diary of Grant Robertson

Finance Minister Grant Robertson doles out the oranges to the New Zealand team of five million. Photo / Mark Mitchell

COMMENT:

Takes centre stage in the shed

Okay, team of five million. Gather around. See this? It's a Budget. And what it sets out to do is steady our nerve so we can get back out on the green and pleasant paddock and get back into the game. I call it the "Oranges at Half-Time Budget".

Passes the oranges

They are very sweet oranges and there are plenty to go around. I've got some wage subsidy oranges. Some oranges for cleaner waterways. And do you know what I've got for school lunches? You guessed it. Some oranges.

Rolls up his sleeves

Look. You don't need me to tell you that it's been rough out there. We've all taken a hit. A lot of us are hurting. But what's important when we get back on to the pleasant-pastured paddock is that we keep our eyes on the ball. The problem is that we've been starved of the ball in lockdown. Well, those days are over. We now have a ball to play with, because I've gone and borrowed it. Future generations can give it back.

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Shouts and hollers

O, team of five million! I give you this ball of gold! I give you this ball of desire! I give you this ball which is a lot like a chariot of fire! Hold it and pass it. Pass it and hold it. It's okay if we hold it, pass it but don't actually make any progress up the field, because we'll get there in the end.

Passes the oranges

Here, have another orange. Good for you.

Takes a deep breath

Some of you are asking where will it all end - and when. I'll level with you. I don't know. No one knows. You want to ask Jacinda, be my guest. She's got a faraway look in her eyes these days. I think she misses Ashley Bloomfield. Well, we all do. As for these oranges at half-time – the truth is that it isn't half-time. I don't know where we are at this stage of the game. No one knows. It's hard to make sense of anything right now.

Stares into the abyss

It's very dark and the nights are drawing in. Cold this time of year, isn't it? Especially after dark. You don't want to be outside after dark.

Stares even further

There aren't that many oranges for tourism or welfare reform. But that's not to say their time won't come. They just have to work that little bit harder. I know it's tough. I shook the tree as hard as I

could and collected as many oranges as possible but there just weren't enough to help out everybody to the extent that I would have liked and besides, it was getting late - and dark and cold - and I was scared that I might have deprived future generations.

Passes the oranges

But the good news is that I'll be passing around more oranges a little bit later in the game, because all I can say with confidence is that this is a game with quite a lot of halves.