Steve Braunias: The secret diary of Christopher Luxon

National Party Leader Christopher Luxon. Photo / Marty Melville

OPINION

MONDAY

"O'Connor!", I roared. "Get your arse in here."

"Yes, boss."

I closed the door behind him, and said, "Sorry about that, Simon."

"No that's okay."

"Appearance's sake," I said.

"All good, mate."

"Okay," I said. "Now look. Seriously, about you posting what appears to be a wildly celebratory show of support for the overturning of Roe v Wade."

"Yeah."

"I mean – my basic position is the same as yours," I said. "Of course, women are no better than oxen in the field."

"They get the job done."

"Yes," I said, "they get the job done. But it's a matter of expressing it in a sensitive fashion so as not to jeopardise our relationship with a niche market."

"Wokesters?"

"No, women."

"Yeah."

"So just think first next time," I said.

"All good, mate."

I opened the door, and roared, "Now get out!"

TUESDAY

I said to Nicola, "Who are you again?

"Nicola Willis, deputy leader."

"Tremendous," I said. "Okay. What do you think Labour are going to do about this?"

"I think they'll probably – "

"They'll spin this," I said. "They spin everything. It's pathetic."

"Robertson said – "

"Yeah, I saw that," I said. "Robertson. That guy! I bet he spins in his sleep."

"And Hipkins – "

"Yeah, I saw that too," I said. "Typical Hipkins. 'National are anti-women.' Pathetic."

"Well, so I thought – "

"I'll tell you what I think," I said. "I think I need to issue another press release about my response to Roe v Wade."

"Okay, but – "

"It needs to be a bit more nuanced than rejecting the idea that women are no better than oxen in the field," I said.

"Perhaps if I – "

"Can you send in comms on your way out?", I said. "Cheers."

National leader Christopher Luxon and deputy leader Nicola Willis. Photo / Mark Mitchell

WEDNESDAY

"Listen," I said to the comms lady, "our message isn't getting across."

"Well – "

"I want to be able to say that some of my best employees are women. I want to be able to say that I know what women think, often long before they think it. I want to be able to say that, like evolution, feminism is an interesting theory, even if it doesn't measure up to the facts. I want to be able to say I know how to improve pikelets - a tablespoon of hot water and a tablespoon of soft butter is the secret. I also want to be able to say that women are better than oxen in the field, although at the end of the day that's kind of moot."

"But – "

"Get the job done," I said.

THURSDAY

Dreamed of oxen moving slowly and with sensual purpose in the field.

FRIDAY

Had a beer after work with Simon O'Connor, Simeon Brown, Matt Doocey, Scott Simpson, Mark Mitchell, Michael Woodhouse, Chris Penk and someone who said her name was Nicola.

"Cheers," I said.

"Yeah," they bleated.

One of the boys mentioned Ardern winning the $1.8 billion free trade deal in Brussels.

The table went quiet for a while.

"Well," I said, because leadership means you have to break the silence with a remark or observation that inspires confidence, unifies a team, is in touch with the electorate and shows a way forward for all New Zealanders, "she'd have had a lot of help from the diplomatic guys with that."

"Yeah," they mooed.