Steve Braunias: The secret diary of Billy Te Kahika

OPINION:

MONDAY

I heard the voice of God today as I sat around waiting for something, anything, to happen, and the Almighty did verily sayeth, "Yo Billy wassup man?"

And I remarketh unto the Lord, "Not a lot."

To which the Holy Spirit replieth, "Yeah well I can see that."

And I riposteth, "Things are pretty quiet right now you know? Not my fault."

To which My Sweet Lord mumbleth, "Whose fault was it that you crashed and burned at the election?"

And I explodeth, "The media! The media. You know that. The goddamned media. Excuse my language."

To which Oh My God sigheth, "Yeah I hear you. But don't lose the faith. Something might come along any second now and it'll give you a platform."

And I raiseth my head and declareth, "Please God let there be another lockdown as directed by the military forces of our 666 government which so riles up my quite sane followers."

The wife called out, "You talking to yourself again? Get up off your ass and do some work around the house!"

I prayeth for a relief from my burdens.

TUESDAY

There's going to be another lockdown. The problem is, whānau, what are we going to do about it? I'd like to declare right now that we're going for a national protest tomorrow at 12 o'clock at TVNZ, located on the corner of Victoria St and Cook St. No, Hobson St, is it? Wellesley St? You know where TVNZ is. I don't need to tell you. So tomorrow at 12 o'clock we are having a protest outside TVNZ and we're not saying anything more than we're going to turn up and we're going to say no loudly and clearly. We're not standing for this nonsense. We're not taking it.

WEDNESDAY

I was devastated to see violence at the protest. I had no idea it would happen.

Police arrest anti-lockdown protester Billy Te Kahika outside TVNZ. Photo / Dean Purcell

THURSDAY

Judge Peter Winter said, "William Desmond Te Kahika, you face two charges of intentionally failing to comply with the Covid-19 alert level requirements, and failing to assist a constable exercising search powers under the Search and Surveillance Act. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty," I said.

I was remanded until my next appearance in court on October 13. My bail conditions are to live at a Hokianga address, which I can only leave for attending pre-arranged meetings with my lawyer, and I am not to access the internet or possess any internet-capable device.

FRIDAY

I heard the voice of God today as I stood in front of the mirror, and the Almighty did verily sayeth, "Yo Billy lookin' good!"

And I agreeth with the Heavenly Father, "You're not wrong there!"

To which the Demiurge did addeth, "Proud of you bro for taking it to the streets on Wednesday and calling out this pandemic. Someone had to do it."

And I confirmeth to the First Cause, "No one else had the guts."

To which The Author of All Things provoketh, "Actually, Hannah Tamaki wrote on Twitter the other day, 'not vaccinated, I don't hv Covid, I stand by my choice, not 2 be. I'm not afraid to trust my immune system & mostly my God'. The Tamakis are pretty gutsy anti-vaxxers, to be honest."

"Whatever," I said to the mirror. "God doesn't speak to them."