Steve Braunias: Secret diary of... the impossible burger

COMMENT:

WINSTON PETERS

Good morning. As Prime Minister of New Zealand, I wish to stand on a raised stage as well as a set of encyclopedias balanced on top of a bucket, and look down upon the nation and make an important announcement which gets to the very thread of who we are as a people.

The Impossible Burger is the biggest single threat to the New Zealand way of life since the Asian takeaway.

The Impossible Burger, a meat-free burger which Air New Zealand offers on selected flights to Los Angeles, sends a clear message to the world that New Zealand has lost the plot, that it cannot be taken seriously, that it is rudderless.

In the five weeks I have remaining as Prime Minister, I will not stand by upon a raised stage as well as a set of encyclopedias balanced on top of a bucket and allow people to think that about New Zealand.

MARK PATTERSON

Oh, hello there! I've never said anything in public before that anyone has taken the slightest notice of but that's about to change because as New Zealand First's primary industries spokesman, I regard the Impossible Burger as a wonderful opportunity for me to issue a press release that will make the news.

The Impossible Burger is a slap in the face for New Zealand's red meat sector. It also poses an existential threat.

Now anyone who knows the red meat sector knows that the two things that upsets it the most is a slap in the face and an existential threat.

If I was slapped in the face and felt existentially threatened, I'd go straight to Winston. Mind you the last time I tried to have a word with him about something, he looked right through me, and said, "Who are you? Go away."

NATHAN GUY

Yeah gidday. You might remember me as the former minister of primary industries. Well, I was down on the farm this morning with some of the boys and we were all talking about this Impossible Burger business and the general consensus is that it was a bloody disgrace.

I said to them, I said, "Boys," I said, "it's a bloody disgrace."

They carried on with their work, fencing and what have you, and I said to them, I said, "Boys," I said, "I can tell you this much. It would never have happened on my patch. Not in a million years."

They got on with their jobs, milking and suchlike, and I said to them, I said, "Boys," I said, "it's exactly the sort of thing you'd expect in this Labour-Greens-New Zealand First alliance. They're all inner-city coffee-drinking liberals who don't know the first thing about what it's like down on the farm."

One of them said, "Mate, could you lend us a hand?"

But I had to get back to the office.

ROD SLATER

Hello + welcome. I'm chief executive of Beef+Lamb NZ. There's two things I'm passionate about. One is meat + the other thing is the "+" character. As in Beef+Lamb. As in meat + potatoes. As for this Impossible Burger nonsense, look, I've actually eaten one, + trying to be as open-minded as I could, + fair, + reasonable, it made me sick + I nearly died.

THE WELLINGTON WHALE

Waving here! A little help! Some food, please! I'm so hungry I'd eat anything.