Today marks a historic occasion in the affairs of this great country. I'm tempted to ask for a minute's silence so we can all fully observe and appreciate the gravity of the situation but that would cut into my speaking time and I have important things to say on account of the fact that as of today I'm Prime Minister.
Now some will say the actual title is acting Prime Minister. I have the deepest respect for tradition but I think for the sake of brevity it's best for everyone if we just cut to the chase and acknowledge that I'm Prime Minister.
To be precise: I'm Prime Minister, and you're not. I'm talking to you, Duncan Garner. A word of advice, Sonny Jim. You think it's alright to open your big mouth and spread false information that I was late to appear on your little programme this morning. Well, it's not alright. You can't talk to me like that. I'm the Prime Minister.
And it is demonstrably wrong to say I'm "not a morning person". Morning, noon or night, it's all the same to me. I don't sleep. I don't rest. I've got it covered. I'm all over it. I'm on it. I'm with you always. I'm the Prime Minister.
Of course I'm gainfully employed and I'm well paid, but I still think twice about putting the heater on because power prices in this country are outrageous.
That's why it gives me great pleasure to announce the Government's new "winter warmer" payments for superannuitants.
They can't come a moment too soon. Only yesterday I slept in late, but eventually the time came when I rolled out of bed and that's when I wondered about whether or not to turn on the heater. And the toaster. And the kettle. And the lights.
It all adds up, you know, and the thought of it made me very, very worried, dreadfully worried, sick with worry, if you must know, so I decided that the best option was simply to go back to bed, and lie there, cold, hungry, in darkness, although I took solace from the knowledge that I'm Prime Minister.
Well of course I don't remember whether I applied for the Government's new "winter warmer" payments for superannuitants.
I'm flat-out trying to do a whole lot of things and no I don't recall doing it but I may have. Someone might have shoved it over my desk and said "sign that" and because I'm not worried about that, I'm worried about other things, the last thing I'm worried about is turning on a heater, for God's sake, what do you take me for? Who do you think you're talking to? I'm the Prime Minister.
I'm the Prime Minister.
I'm tired. God, winter! The dark mornings, the clinging frosts, the long, hard days, the dying of the light at dusk, the stars nailed tight in the evening sky…I was sitting at my desk late this morning, signing papers and staring deep in to my glass, when the phone rang.
"Yes," I said.
I heard a baby crying in the background.
"Hello," I said.
I heard a man saying, "I'll take her."
I said, "Is anyone there?"
A woman came to the phone, and said, "It's just me."
I said, "Sorry, who?"
She laughed, and said, "Have you forgotten me already? I'm the Prime Minister."