Jo Guy says her eyes leaked for six months after her son Scott was murdered.
"To lose a child is a very heavy, heavy thing. I was in the black pit of despair. It's like an amputation - the piece that's missing and doesn't grow back."
Even now, when the phone rings at a certain time of day, Jo's heart stops.
"I think, 'What's happened to the kids? What's the matter?' I still get knots in my stomach. We are different people now."
In the early hours of July 8, 2010 Jo's son Scott Guy was killed at the end of his driveway after leaving for work on the family farm in Feilding.
It's believed the gunman closed the gates at the driveway - they were normally left open - and pulled the trigger as the 31-year-old father of two climbed out of his ute to open them. His body lay unnoticed on the ground for more than two hours.
Guy's brother-in-law, Ewen Macdonald, a pall-bearer at his funeral, was charged with his murder in April 2011. He was acquitted at a jury trial the following year but was jailed for five years for other offences.
The police investigation revealed Macdonald and Callum Boe, a teenager who had worked on the Guy farm, had become close friends.
They enjoyed hunting and tramping together and went on secret night "missions".
At first the missions were innocent enough but, when Boe was in his late teens - a decade younger than Macdonald, they became more sinister. Offences included poaching, arson, and vandalising property belonging to Scott and Kylee Guy.
They also dumped milk from a tanker and slaughtered 19 calves with hammer-blows to their heads.
Macdonald was denied parole four times before it was granted in 2015 with strict conditions.
Ten years on and Guy's murder remains unsolved - and, for the family, unresolved.
There are no fresh leads and most of those involved have moved on.
Bryan Guy thinks about his son every day.
"You can say it's 10 years since Scott was killed but it's actually 3653 days on his anniversary and every one of those days we think of Scott," he told the Weekend Herald.
Bryan and Jo are determined not to be "stuck" with the tragedy - their focus is to keep their family together and be hands-on grandparents to their 14 grandchildren.
"If we dwell on why or what if, it destroys you. Building resilience is where our focus is with our children and grandchildren - showing them the choices we make and how we react, they watch us all the time, let alone what we say.
We want to be a good example to them and help them build strong relationships - to help them cope with life and the things that get thrown up. We live for helping our kids."
Anna Guy says a part of her is missing and the enormity of losing her brother stays with her.
"It feels like Scott was here just yesterday but then other times it feels like it's been forever. I find it difficult when I see what Scott is missing out on but I am thankful for the time spent with Hunter and Drover. Being with them feels like you are close to Scott."
Scott was the second eldest of four children - Nikki, Macdonald's wife Anna, and Callum.
After working on several farms and a short stint studying for a diploma in agriculture at Massey University in Palmerston North, he left for Australia to work on a farm. There he mustered cattle on horseback, fulfilling his dream of being a cowboy.
He returned to the family farm Bryerburn in 2003 and was put in charge of the crops and calf-rearing while Macdonald managed the dairy side. Superficially the working arrangement seemed fair and equitable but Guy's death later revealed tension and rivalry between the pair.
Guy met 18-year-old Kylee Bullock, who was training to be an early childhood teacher, at a Havelock North pub after a rodeo.
The pair fell in love and married in 2005 and had two sons, Hunter and Drover, who wasn't born when his father died.
Jo remembers Guy as "outgoing and gregarious. He loved animals and people - he was a real farm boy. He loved his family more than anything and didn't like injustice. When Scott died the family dynamics changed, because you are taking out Scott who was a strong personality, so it was difficult to get used to."
Guy's murder mystery transfixed the country. It had all the elements of a Shakespearean tragedy and one main suspect at the heart of the investigation.
Public interest soared when police charged Macdonald for allegedly murdering his brother-in-law, the best man at his wedding and his business partner.
As the investigation unfolded, it was revealed Macdonald secretly despised Guy and had a violent and revengeful streak.
Law professor Chris Gallavin from Massey University says the case was intriguing because it involved "beautiful, affluent white people" from a small, conservative rural town.
"It was racist. If this was a case of a Māori family who had a dispute [with] one family member allegedly killing another, I don't think it would have made headlines. The Guy case showed the rest of the country their family dynamics are as messed up as anyone else.
This is the essence of any good soap opera, it's a family tragedy about the prodigal son who comes back and says he should take over the farm while the person who has been slaving away and is a brilliant farmer feels put out," Gallavin said.
"It might have looked like that but I can tell you we weren't. We were just ordinary people who love our kids," he said.
At times Bryan and Jo felt like they were the ones on trial, given the intense media scrutiny.
"It got out of control, it was so bizarre people were lining up to get into the trial. The most difficult part was you felt like you were grieving publicly and there was no time to be on your own.
People would see you in the street and not know what to say to you. You feel you have this target on your head and you feel differently to everybody else, it was very unusual," he said.
Bryan also regrets not having the chance to heal the rift between his son and Macdonald.
"We knew there were some tensions - so many farming families have the same thing. Obviously we didn't get it resolved like we thought we had but it wasn't something that suddenly comes right. You have to keep working at it and we needed to talk more but we never got that opportunity. We probably should have been more aware of it at the time but you can't go back in time. It screws you up."
Only one question remains - if Macdonald didn't kill Guy - who did?
Gallavin, who is planning a documentary about Greg King, the lawyer who successfully defended Macdonald, believes the police investigation had many holes and deficiencies.
"I started thinking it was likely Ewen did it and ended concluding he didn't. Most New Zealanders probably think Ewen Macdonald was guilty but he was lucky he got off. What they don't realise is there were others who were equally if not more in the frame and that was made aware to the jury, hence why I think the decision of the jury was one that was justified," he said.
Gallavin believes there were three suspects that the Crown ruled out. The first suspect was a recidivist criminal who had been involved in a burglary just hours before Guy was killed. He stole cannabis and Winfield Gold cigarettes - the same brand on a packet that was found near 293 Aorangi Rd.
Although this man was known to use shotguns, police accepted an alibi from his partner, who was high on methamphetamine.
Another suspect was a man who turned up at Scott and Kylee's old house smelling of alcohol and cigarettes a few weeks prior to his death.
And the third was a farmer who had personality clashes with Scott. He told the court that the day before Scott was shot, he went for a job interview.
"He drove a four-door sedan turned up to work early, which he never does, he has a semi-automatic and his sister and partner were away and he didn't like Scott Guy," Gallavin said.
The defence had also raised the mystery sedan Mathew Ireland had seen driving along Aorangi Rd as he arrived at work. The car had been coming from the direction of the murder scene just after police said Guy was shot. It was never traced, despite appeals to the public.
Two weeks before Guy was shot Dave Berry, who rented a house where the Guys used to live, recalls a "tall, unshaven man with dark hair" banging on his door looking for Scott, smelling of alcohol and cigarettes.
Berry was the first person to discover Guy's lifeless body on his way to work around 7am.
He rang 111 and told the operator his neighbour's throat had been cut.
A decade on, Berry is still traumatised and fears there is still a killer on the loose.
"I will never forget what I saw, to see a human like that still affects me. It would be pretty cold if it didn't. I feel for Kylee and the Guy family and would be happier if they had convicted someone, then we would all have closure. If I saw Kylee I would hug her, she's had a rough time."
Bryan and Jo believe the Crown did the best job they could based on the evidence they had.
Even if new evidence came to light it wouldn't bring "Scotty" back.
Ben Vanderkolk, the Crown Prosecutor in the trial, said there is nothing he would have done differently.
"I think the standard of proof worked in favour of the defendant and so it's not about doing anything differently or whether there was enough evidence it was whether there was proof beyond a reasonable doubt. The theory I presented to the jury based on the evidence I had was Macdonald was the murderer," Vanderkolk said.
Macdonald has been ghosted by the Guy family, they have nothing to say to him.
"Some days I get really ticked-off but it's a matter of survival," said Jo. "It goes through our minds about who killed Scott and it's heartbreaking - but nothing will bring him back.
"It was awkward at the start but when the kids are with you you have to be seen not to be fractious you have to be civil and it's not easy for everybody. [Macdonald] made his choices, what he was thinking and doing has nothing to do with us. We couldn't control what he was thinking but he is still the father of his children."
Macdonald has never apologised to the Guy family. Bryan and Jo struggle to forgive him for the things he has done but they don't want to be consumed by bitterness or hatred.
"I don't think you can forgive someone whether they apologise or not. Forgiveness is a hard thing, it's a long process. Wanting to forgive is the thing but sometimes, when you get to anniversaries or birthdays, you think forgiveness is hard," Jo said.
After Guy's death, more tragedy followed.
Bryan's father died three months later from pancreatic cancer and a "broken heart".
Ten months after Guy was murdered their nephew Andy, who lived in Perth, was pushed out of a window of a two-storey building and died.
Their granddaughter Elsie, Nikki's first child, lived for two weeks - she had a congenital heart and lung problem.
"When Nikki and James got married, as the father-of-the-bride, I tied pink ribbons on the wedding car. A year later I tied the same ribbons on to Elsie's casket. The smallest coffins are the heaviest," Bryan said.
But life carries on.
Kylee lives in Hawke's Bay with her sons who are now 12 and 10. She has had another boy, Husky, with her partner Kent Martin.
While Macdonald was in prison Anna Guy moved to Auckland with her four children Finn,16, Jack, 15, Lucy,13 and Wade, 11. She has two children, Ruby, 6 and Ari, 4 with her partner Brent Jameson.
Macdonald married Joyce Braas in 2017 and lives in Christchurch.
Bryan and Jo's eldest grandson, Finn, is now living with them at their farm in Colyton, Manawatū.
"He's a farm boy and was never keen to move to Auckland. He wanted to get back to family. Finn keeps us young and busy," Bryan said.
Bryan is aware Anna's older children will be curious to learn why their father was charged for their Uncle Scott's death.
"We talk about it when it comes up but you don't want to talk about it all the time - it's too depressing. It will be harder as they get older, reading things on the internet but we try and help them have a normal life as possible. Finn is not his father, he is his own person and we will help him make good choices."
When Jo and Bryan look at Hunter and Drover they see Scotty and "glimpses" of his personality.
Jo misses her son. He used to light up a room.
"Not having Scott around has been a huge hole in our lives and, I guess, for the other children too. You take one out of the family and it changes the whole dynamic of that family structure. I miss him with skin on, you know. I tend to talk to him in the garden, it might sound a little bit crazy but I miss being able to give him a hug."