Biscuit "hate mail" has sent Glenn Dwight on a quest to rate every biscuit in the sampler box. Photo / Griffin's, Woolworths
There are very few things that unite New Zealanders quite like the humble biscuit.
Biscuits are how we connect. How we pause. How we judge a new neighbour within the first minute of meeting them.
If they say, “Help yourself,” you know they can be trusted to borrow your hedge clippers.
If they say, “We’ve only got these left,” you know exactly where you stand and where they will stand going forward.
And this is where biscuits stop being harmless.
Because once you understand how much they matter, you realise that having an opinion about them is not without risk.
Here’s something I learned the hard way when I wrote an article about returning to work, and made what I thought was a harmless observation: that, in the classic sampler box, the Pink Wafer tends to be the least popular biscuit.
It was a statement delivered casually, without malice, and certainly without any expectation of consequence.
I was wrong.
The reaction was swift.
Text messages from unimpressed work colleagues. Strong opinions shared in CAPS LOCK.
Even the threat, real or not, to unfriend me on Facebook.
Apparently, the Pink Wafer has a loyal fan base who felt personally attacked.
One reader compared the betrayal to John Mitchell dropping Christian Cullen.
Another suggested I should be banned from selecting the biscuits at future morning teas.
There was even what could only be described as hate mail, although written very politely, because this is still New Zealand.
So, in the spirit of fairness, transparency, and because I enjoy biscuits far too much to ignore this, I decided it was time to properly examine the Griffin’s Sampler Box.
Every biscuit. The pros. The cons. A public service, to the nation, really.
A service that could well see my name on the New Year Honours list.
So, let’s dig in.
Pros: These toasted coconut biscuits are delightfully crunchy and not afraid of being dunked in tea, as structurally they are one of the strongest “dunkers” in the sampler range.
Cons: They can leave a crumb trail that can be used as evidence in the office when the search is on for who ate all the biscuits.
Rating: Three biscuits out of five. A classic, like an all-rounder in cricket. Will never open the innings, but can always be relied on.
Pros: Dark chocolate coating and a crisp base. Sleek and elegant, the biscuit equivalent of smart casual. You are never going to be turned away from any bring-a-plate event with a packet of Chocolate Thins.
Cons: People sometimes overestimate how delicate they are and break them before dunking. They also come with the risk of melting, which can lead to finger sucking, frowned upon in a post-Covid world.
Rating: Four and a half biscuits out of five. Sophisticated with a touch of danger. And after all, danger is what makes life exciting.
Pros: Biscuit topped with caramel toffee and milk chocolate. This one does not mess around. Rich, layered, and undeniably the life of the biscuit tray.
Cons: You often find yourself in an internal argument over whether having five is greedy or a necessity.
Rating: Five biscuits out of five. A showstopper. Always the first to go.
Pros: Chocolate creme centre with a milk chocolate coating. This is biscuit engineering at its best. Like a chocolate-dipped ice cream, the outer shell provides strength, and with a little work, this biscuit gold can also be used as a straw.
Cons: A bit humble beside the mighty Toffee Pop. Like Sam Whitelock standing next to Sir Colin Meads. Still worth jumping the lineout for.
Rating: Four biscuits out of five. A comforting classic with hidden talents.
Now this is tricky after some of my earlier statements, and I personally still believe this is the biscuit of those who have gulped super-hot tea, destroyed their taste buds, and are eating it mostly because of the colour. But I will try to be objective.
Pros: Layered wafer with creamy vanilla frosting. Light, cheerful, pastel, like a unicorn hooking up with SpongeBob.
Cons: You need about six of them to feel like you have eaten something. Like a camping holiday, if it gets wet, everything is ruined.
Rating: Three biscuits out of five, bumped up because I am scared of further abuse from the Pink Wafer community.
Pros: Classic chocolate chip cookies. Sweet, familiar, just right with morning tea. And they will have you saying “dum-de-doo” for no reason other than it feels right.
Cons: Can be a bit soft if left out for too long in a humid kitchen. And if I am honest, describing a biscuit as “da bomb” is no longer considered cool. Also, saying “dum-de-doo” is out of date since Griffin’s dropped Cookie Bear from its biscuit packs after 57 years.
Rating: Three biscuits out of five. Sadly, for a man who was once the Griffin’s Cookie Bear at the local Four Square, it’s a case of “Dum de don’t”.
Pros: Pink icing and sprinkles make these joyful. They feel celebratory, like a biscuit wearing party confetti.
Cons: Not everyone wants confetti on their biscuit. They can look like a teenage boy’s pimple-ridden face. Now that I have said it, you will not be able to unsee it.
Rating: Three and a half biscuits out of five. Fun but niche.
Pros: All butter and melt-in-the-mouth. The perfect partner to a warm drink. Like a mate standing next to a pool, it quietly cries, “dunk me”.
Cons: Does not feel as exciting as some of the chocolate offerings. Ultra traditional. You could say the Boomer of the biscuit box. You could say that. I obviously will not, as I fear angry biscuit hate mail.
Rating: Two and a half biscuits out of five.
Pros: A classic wheaten base dipped in dark chocolate. The perfect balance of biscuit and rich chocolate coating.
Cons: The name wheaten makes you feel like someone is trying to smuggle health into the biscuit. Like parents hiding vegetables.
Rating: Three biscuits out of five. Be suspicious.
Some sampler boxes vary year to year, and some Kiwis swear there used to be even more biscuits, including Cameo Cremes, before decisions were made in the Griffin’s boardroom about what stays and what goes.
But the brilliance of the biscuit, and the sampler box in particular, is what it does.
It brings people together. It gives them a reason to stop, to chat, to connect, all with a shared sense of comfort.
So whether you are team Toffee Pop, team Krispie, team Butter Shortbread, or fiercely defending the honour of the Pink Wafer with a zeal usually reserved for national sports, there is one truth that unites us all.
There is always a good time for a biscuit and a chat.
- Glenn Dwight is the studio creative director – regional at NZME and an occasional writer for The Country.