The boring wonder that is Valentine's Day is nearly upon us again. Ah yes, that sweet gentle reminder that every year we should love our loved one or if we haven't got one, find one.
The pressure's on eh? Like everything in America it's a bigger, bolder affair over here. Everything, it seems, can have a love take on it. No matter what store you're in, there's some Valentine's merch staring at your face.
Even my local garage has a lovers' special on tyres. Nothing says "I love you" more than a sexy set of retreads.
The most unnerving thing of all, though, is the amount of children's paraphernalia with a Valentine's theme. Activity books, toys and cartoons all depicting the importance of this day. Is it because it's so important to love, or are they just getting the commercialism in early because the young sprites of today will be the hopeless romantics of tomorrow?
I don't know how I've managed it but for the last four years in a row I've been away on Valentine's Day. Some job has always come up, certainly not by my choosing but without fail, Rosie my wife has waved me off as I've boarded a plane ...
"I love you."
"I love you too. There's some chocolates in the top drawer, they're all yours."
To be honest I'm not sure why she's still with me. Recently I misplaced my wallet again ... (As some of you will know, this is quite a common occurrence. I even performed a comedy routine about it on Letterman.)
Anyway, this time I was sent to the supermarket to buy some whisky and honey for a hot toddy. I should point out that a hot toddy is a drink that cures colds, not a gold-winning stud that rides horses ... well ...
Somewhere between purchasing said toddy items and returning home I lost my wallet. I didn't even realise it until the next day. I went to grab it from its usual place somewhere on the floor in the lounge and it wasn't there.
After furiously searching the house and car all morning I finally decided to wander back to the supermarket with my tail between my legs. I knew it wouldn't be there, but you know, you've got to cover your bases. They didn't have it and assured me that if it did show up they'd certainly let me know.
I suddenly had this very real fear that I may have accidentally left it on the roof of my car as I drove away that fateful night. I quickly checked the carpark but of course it wasn't there.
Then, even though it pained me, I gave my name and phone number to three of the other local businesses adjoining the carpark just in case someone had found it and handed in. "What craziness!" I thought. Now the supermarket, two pharmacies and a packaging store all had the following written on a little note pinned to their notice boards: "Rhys Darby - lost wallet, ph 424 blah blah blah."
I laughed myself silly all the way home thinking `man, imagine, just imagine if one staff member from one of those stores was a fan ... Hashtagmindblown.'
You'll be pleased to know this love story has a happy ending. The next day I found my wallet down the back of the sofa. Looks like I'm off to buy the wife some tyres.