The Greens. Their trials and tribulations are Shakespearean. When they're not Monty Python-esque.
Marama Davidson's ill-advised pursuit of the 'C' word's reclamation was on an idiocy par with the Dead Parrot sketch, while James Shaw's sign-off on the inane Simon Bridges mocking video was positively Ministry ofSilly Walks. But far less funny. Like, zero.
Back to Shakespeare. Their AGM in Dunedin last weekend was pure theatre. From the earnestness and hand wringing, to the endless love hearts made with their own bare hands, the Greens were worried that the media would "caricature" them.
No need to fret, because despite the AGM being a mostly locked-down affair, the media only needed to wait quietly in the wings for the inevitable pratfall. And sure enough, right on cue, came high-ranking member Jack McDonald with his soliloquy.
Basically, not knowing that brevity is the soul of wit, McDonald decided to spell out to the media why he was cutting and running from holding positions within the very party he has "dedicated" his life to.
"As an indigenous ecosocialist the last few years have been tough; the 2017 campaign, Metiria's [Turei] resignation, and the continued centrist drift of the party's direction under James Shaw's co-leadership.
"When the IPCC [Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change] says we have 12 years to save the world from climate catastrophe, we simply don't have time for centrism, moderation or fiscal austerity."
Now, some in the party membership say McDonald is brave and stunning, and wholeheartedly applaud his wee stand. You could even say there's some truth to the idea that the Greens' traditional base is revolting.
Which means, I'm afraid, that Marama's "C" word stunt may just be the start of a more scripted radical approach. What next? Goat sacrifices in the street?
It's not that I disagree with Jack McDonald. He's right about running out of time. I only take issue with his timeframes. Twelve years? It'll be way shorter than that. We're already in feedback loop territory. Which begs the question: What good are politicians anymore? Seriously.
High-ranking member Jack McDonald provided the AGM with its inevitable pratfall. Photo / File
Anyway, I get his desperation and disillusionment with the very group of politicians who should be fair scaring the horses. Which is why many voters abandoned his precious party yonks ago.
Not to mention, of course, the social justice warrior crusade they're on where if nary a dissenting voice is heard they'll be dragged to the public square – a.k.a. social media - and hung, drawn and quartered for all to cheer on.
And while Shaw's advisers within the echo chamber crow about his Carbon Zero work with farmers being truly momentous, it's basically business as usual. Any sacrifices farmers may be forced to make in achieving their emissions targets is so miniscule – despite their robust whining – as to be absurd.
How do you think farming has managed to escape unscathed thus far? As a lobby group they're extremely talented at delay tactics. Not to mention being the economic backbone of the country - blah, blah. None of which will matter soon. No environment, no economy.
In fact, for the best laugh last week I read the headline "Chloe Swarbrick thanks Fonterra for leadership on issue of climate change". By God, I roared. I mean, here's New Zealand's biggest greenhouse gas emitter being thanked for their hitherto glacial pace on climate mitigation. And by a Green MP.
Clearly, Swarbrick needs to give her gumboots a workout. I wear mine daily. I also know what they do, and don't do – despite their expensive spin and Richie McCaw. Not to worry, China will own Fonterra soon enough anyway. Then we've all got even bigger worries. If that's possible.
To be fair, every decent play possesses a star. Someone who lights up the stage. Not necessarily with a radiant smile and friendly disposition, but with sheer intensity. A workhorse, a doer, with a singular focus. For that the Greens cast Eugenie Sage in the role.
Sage secured a wallop of funding for the Department of Conservation. No mean feat. She has more understanding of the portfolio than any minister before her, and her gaze firmly fixed on the biodiversity ball.
But given the Greens predilection for total meltdowns, is she eyeing a move stage left? Labour?
It'd be a shame to lose her talent if the Greens sink below 5 per cent. (C'mon, even as the planet's melting at an exorbitant rate, we still must pretend there's something we can save).
With the 2020 election looming, they may ponder their green capitalism platform. Or not. "Because all the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players; they have their exits and their entrances . . . "
