Steve Braunias: The secret diary of . . . Donald Trump

Donald Trump at his Mar-a-Lago golf course, the "most beautiful in the world". Photo/ AP

MONDAY

That shot I played this morning on the ninth did not land in the bunker. There is no way that shot landed in the bunker or anywhere near it. I know the course at Mar-a-Lago like the back of my head. It's a very beautiful golf course, I would say the most beautiful in America, in other words the most beautiful in the world and, by the way, has anyone seen Melania?

I saw her last month. We were at an airport. I think we had just come from somewhere. It might have been the White House and I say that because Melania's luggage consisted of a great many packing cases marked WHITE HOUSE. I know she wanted one or two things from the Oval Office as keepsakes, even though I said to her, "Why don't you just leave them where they are? We'll be back."

TUESDAY

The impeachment trial begins tomorrow and of course I will be vindicated, it's really a giant waste of everyone's time but the swamp won't know what's hit them when they hear from my lawyers. I have assembled a very, very good team, I met them today and I asked how they were doing, and the defence lead, Bruce Castor, said to me, "The other day, when I was down here in Washington - I came down earlier in the week to try to figure out how to find my way around. I worked in this building 40 years ago. I got lost then and I still do."

I have every confidence in this man.

WEDNESDAY

Castor told the senate, "I'll be quite frank with you, we changed what we were going to do on account that we thought that the House manager's presentation was well done." Who appointed this idiot?

THURSDAY

I sat down to watch the impeachment trial on TV and called out, "Who wants to watch this with me?"

I think I heard footsteps but they were walking away. Well, that's not surprising, no one wants to watch the impeachment trials, it's a very, very ugly spectacle, because the senate has been taken over by people who I

would describe as unstable, who have got their way into the senate by illegal means, and they are making hysterical statements and running around saying terrible, terrible things, and no one wants to see that happening in America.

I caught a glimpse of video footage taken of the patriots who entered the Capitol on January 6 to express their disappointment at the stolen election but it didn't really hold my attention.

FRIDAY

What the senate doesn't understand is that any comments I made about the stolen election are protected under the First Amendment. If they'd done their homework, if they'd shown any respect for the Constitution of the United States of America, they would know that the First Amendment states, "Congress shall make no law prohibiting free exercise or abridging the freedom of speech, or the right of the people peaceably to assemble."

Now that pretty much covers off any remarks I may have made as President and it also protects the peaceful assembly at the Capitol on January 6.

The impeachment trial is a waste of time. Everyone knows it. I don't waste any time worrying about it and, by the way, that shot I played this morning on the 13th did not land in the lake.