"I'm sorry," I said to the first person I saw this morning. "I'm so, so sorry. I mean sorry doesn't even cover just how incredibly sorry I am about this Green School fiasco, a fiasco entirely my own making, entirely my own fault and for which I am deeply sorry."
Annabel said, "What time is it?"
"I'm sorry to wake you up," I said, "but I've decided to personally apologise to everybody in New Zealand about this dreadful, dreadful mess and I have to start with someone."
She said, "It's still dark. What time is it?"
"I'm sorry to turn on the wall switch and flood the bedroom with light at this ungodly hour," I said, "but I want to look you in the eyes and tell you how sincerely sorry I am about demanding the Government sign off giving $11 million – okay, $12 million – to some weird private school built like a spaceship in the middle of nowhere and making the Green Party look bad and risking our chances right on the verge of an election and possibly condemning us to oblivion."
She put her arm over her eyes and said, "Darling! Can you turn that off? What time is it?"
"I'm sorry," I said, "but I need it to get dressed. Have you seen my tie? What about socks? I've got one but not the other. Oh, God!"
She put her head under the pillow.
"I'm sorry," I said. I kissed the pillow and rushed out the door without a tie and wearing only one sock. So many apologies to make: there was no time to waste. It was 2.30am.
I'm sorry, but if the Government thinks it can take my entrepreneurial know-how, amazing people-skills and all-round astonishing genius to design the cutting-edge technology behind the Covid-Card and then have the gall to subject it to rigorous testing, properly conducted trials and responsible management as befits an issue of public health, then they've got another think coming. I quit. Now they can dress that up and make any excuses they like but it's all just lipstick on a pig, as a wise man once said.
Prime Minister, are you sorry for the anxiety caused by your Government's incorrect information asking everyone in South and West Auckland to get a Covid-19 test?
Prime Minister, art thou not sorry for these heinous deeds?
Forsooth, I guess.
Prime Minister, on a scale of one to10, one being you're not very comfortable being asked questions about Government failings and 10 being you could cry me a river and an ocean, too, how sorry are you?
Well, Justin –
OMG not again!!! I'm so, so sorry!!!
THE COURT OF APPEAL
1. We are sorry that Peter Ellis is dead. 2. And therefore did not live to see his deranged conviction for child abuse tested before the Appeal Court. 3, But we are prepared to grant him leave to appeal in absentia, as it were. 4, One of his alleged victims claimed that Ellis did not act alone. 5, But we will not grant the same right of appeal to these alleged co-conspirators known as Spike, Boulderhead, Yuckhead and Stupidhead.
"I'm sorry," I said to David, "that people have been so mean to you for your humorous social media posts about the Prime Minister."
He grunted, and his hands clawed at the keyboard.
"There was even a letter in the Herald, from John Harvey, of Stanley Point, who wrote, 'It is a truly alarming thought that if National won, whenever the new Prime Minister travelled overseas she would likely be accompanied by her husband.'"
He ate an Oravida Bone In Lamb Flap, raw.
I switched off the light. He sat hunched over in his chair, his face illuminated by the computer screen. It was 2.30am.