It's not only certain foods we don't need, some people should be avoided, too
Gosh, what a kerfuffle that list of 49 "Needn't" foods caused when it appeared last Friday on the front page of the Herald.
Each of the "Needn't" foods was, allegedly, something we'd be better off scoffing in smaller quantities. This sparked heated debate, with every man and his hotdog joining in.
Well, what more could a columnist want, especially since it's not only foods we'd be better off consuming less of.
There's plenty more "Needn't" stuff out there, folks, so brace yourself, it's:
Needn't 2 - another list of foods, fads and foolish things we "Needn't" consume, starting with ...
People banging on about obesity: It's just the worrywarts' way of saying we're all better off.
Lobby groups like Fight the Obesity Epidemic: Would they prefer a starvation epidemic?
Junk food: There's no such thing as junk food. Junk diets, maybe, but junk food, no. Junk food's been invented by people who don't like hamburgers and anyone harping on about it is trying to scare you.
Alarmists: See Junk food.
Publicly funded scaremongers: See Alarmists.
Gluten intolerance: 90 per cent of the time, it's hypochondria on a plate.
The Body Mass Index: Especially one so daft it makes the All Blacks obese. No sane person would take that kind of bollocks seriously.
Experts: Needless to say, they do.
Dietitians: Food faddists with a diploma.
Nutritionists: People not bright enough to be dietitians.
Life coaches: Failed nutritionists.
Policy analysts: Sorry, Paula, not all jobs are "noble".
Lycra: Should only be worn by dead people.
Gyms: Should only be used by people wearing lycra.
Jogging: Oblivion anxiety in trainers. You don't actually live any longer if you jog, it just feels like you are.
Bottled water: Liquid neurosis.
Problem gambling: Another other-egged issue. Fewer than 3 per cent of gamblers actually have a problem and that number hasn't dropped despite pokie machine levies pumping $50,000,000 a year into the health system coffers. The real problem is what's happening with all that money?
Stephen Fry's broadband woes: Trying to upload a gazillion megabytes through a home broadband plan is like attempting to stick a brontosaurus in a blender, and New Zealand shouldn't cop the blame because his Royal Fryness didn't read the instructions.
Tweeting: Unless you eat birdseed and live in a cage, you shouldn't do this.
Twittering: Or this. Narcissism now has 140 characters.
Half-baked activists: Anyone who drives from Auckland to New Plymouth to climb on an oil-drilling ship is an addled hypocrite.
Flakey actresses: Especially when they rely on petro-chemically based products like cellphones, laptops and iPads to get their anti-oil message across.
Victims: A high-status lifestyle to which many aspire and a triumph for the counselling classes.
Celebrity mental illness: These days, it's as hip to be potty as it was pot to be hippie and the luvvies can't wait to depression their psychological dysfunctions.
Being bi-polar: Who isn't?
Being a bi-polar celebrity: Basically mood swings with an ego or boutique lunacy. Either way, more fashionable than threatening.
ADHD et al, etc: Because American psychiatrists need to invent new "mental illnesses" for insurance purposes, the whole world's now taking these financially induced pseudo-ailments seriously.
Mfat's "surge pool": This coy euphemism is proof positive the managerial gurus are as daft as a Greenpeace activist.
Pretentious IT terminology, like "download": It means "get", for heaven's sake.
And "upload": Cyber jabber for "send".
Worst of all, "the Cloud": It's a filing cabinet, you ninnies.
The Republican Primaries: Fools and fortunes wrestling in mud.
People called Newt: No nation should have a President Newt.
Or Mitt: That said, imagine what our Shearer could do to their Romney.
Sonny Bill Wislam's prospects: Someday, maybe, the Billster will play for the Roosters, the Turkeys, the Pullets, the Aardvarks, the Ferrets or the Chelsea Pensioners but until something actually happens could we please just watch the Black Caps?
"Group" in the sporting context: Forget "the team". Suddenly everyone's talking about "the group" ("There's a good feeling in the group," etc). Ban this cuddly nonsense.
Ads on Sky: Come on, guys. You've got 500,000 subscribers paying about $100 a month, yet you're running more ads than One, 2 and 3 on steroids.
More ads on Sky: You show your movies "uncut and uninterrupted" so do the same for all your programmes.
Another ad break on Sky: Put them between the programmes, not during them, please.
Shortland Street: It's stealing childhoods and no state-owned enterprise should do that in prime time.
Parliamentarians who bang on about unsustainable rate rises: Especially since a lot of those "unsustainable" rises are the direct result of laws passed by Parliament.
Like having a long-term plan: Which every council must produce, then pay to have reviewed by the Audit Office, all of which costs ratepayers millions of dollars every three years.
The Ministry of Women's Affairs: Remember when "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle"? 40 years on, confident, liberated women need their own ministry like a fish needs an aqualung. Save the taxpayer $4,700,000, Mr English. Let Paula close it.
Fluffy judges: By all means let people out on bail, your Honours, provided they stay at your place.
Ten years in prison for the rape of a 5- year-old: No! No, no, no, no, no! With seven years for grievous bodily harm and two years for burglary to be served concurrently: No! No, no, no!
Less than half the maximum sentence: Seriously, what outrage would justify the maximum?
"Experts" who insist prison's no deterrent: Maybe so, but here's one person who'll be compulsorily "deterred", until they're 26, thus proving how seriously we regard the violent rape of children.