Labour MP Grant Robertson will deliver his final speech to Parliament on Wednesday – and with him will go his famous ‘roasts’ of his political rivals.
Robertson is one of Parliament’s best speakers – he could be hard-hitting, was sometimes brutal and cutting, and very often funny.
His general debate speeches began in August 2009 when he kicked off by describing his fellow first-term MP Simon Bridges as “modest” before saying it was believed Bridges sang Carly Simon’s “You’re so Vain” on the bus home every night.
His earlier speeches litigated the bad patches and scandals of the National Government from 2008 – 2017.
There were the heartfelt speeches: after earthquakes and disasters, after the mosque attacks. He spoke about Covid-19 and the parliamentary protests – the period he has described as the hardest in his career. He often referred to his own upbringing in Dunedin.
However, he was at his best when he reached for the tool of humour to pillory and dramatically re-tell the various woes of National in its years in Opposition. On one occasion, that included holding up artworks to represent their state, including the Assassination of Julius Caesar as a depiction of caucus meetings.
Below are segments from his best roasts.
After leader Judith Collins disciplined Todd Muller for anonymously criticising Harete Hipango to media. Chris Finlayson then blasted his former colleagues, saying it was the most devastating brand destruction he’d ever seen, and National MPs deserved everything they got.
“Last night, there were two states of emergency declared in Wellington. One was caused by a polar blast and strong waves from the South, and thankfully it caused little or no damage to the south coast of Wellington.
The other state of emergency was triggered by a northern polar blast, specifically one that emerged from the legal offices of Chris Finlayson Esq.
For those of us who served in Parliament with Mr Finlayson, it was a cheery reminder of his trademark subtlety and diplomacy. Declaring a state of emergency for the National Party is probably not before time, but Mr Finlayson made his reasons starkly clear.
... It’s Chris Finlayson’s empathy that I’ve really missed around here.
Now, to get to the origins of this empathetic love note from Chris Finlayson, we need to take ourselves back to last Tuesday evening.
Just on 10 p.m., as Andrew Bayly was pulling his slippers on and putting on his Versace night-robe, brewing his extra-strong Milo and getting ready to put his trusted teddy to bed, word came through about an emergency caucus meeting.
“Good,” Mr Bayly thought. “Finally, Judith is going to get me an oral question.”
But, alas, it was, in fact, not that.
It was the “Night of the Short Plastic Knives”.
Someone had been mean about Harete Hipango, and it was time to find out who was behind it all.
Now, given that there were approximately 33 likely and, frankly, quite justified suspects, this was going to be a toughie, but thankfully for the Leader of the Opposition, snitch-in-chief Barbara Kuriger was able to inform on Todd Muller, and he was gone.
As Claire Trevett described the meeting, “There were allegations, betrayals, acts of revenge and cowards covering their … butts.”
Such is the loyalty and sense of unity in the National caucus that Chris Bishop, Todd Muller’s numbers man and well-known shiver looking for a spine to run down, was there to kick his mate on the way out the door.
As I’ve said before and I’ll say again, nothing screams “alternative Government” like late-night caucus meetings, resignations, scandals, disappearing lounge suites, and MPs being chased through airports, and long may it continue.”
Christopher Luxon’s rise after Judith Collins lost the leadership
“We have heard a great deal of corporate life-coach waffle over the last few days from the National Party. It’s all about turning the page in the National Party’s long-running saga, “Fifty Shades of Beige”.
But, unfortunately, the corporate life-coach waffling is now catching in the National Party.
Yesterday, Simon Bridges went all Zen on us and said, “Yesterday is yesterday. Today is the future.”, leaving out the critical final line: “And tomorrow, there’ll be another leader.”
But it was for former leader Todd Muller, who took this to a new level, as he spoke of taking off the “backpack of grievance”, and I say good on Todd Muller.
Leave that backpack at the caucus door, because there’s heaps of people who want it, and it does beg that question of who will pick up the backpack of grievance and its inbuilt speed dial for the press gallery.
Will it be Todd McClay, will it be David Bennett, or will it be Judith Collins from seat 19C, by the aisle, ready to push the call bell? But, unfortunately, she’s already heavily laden down with her handbag of hostility.
But there is plenty of baggage to go around in the National Party. There’s Simon Bridges’ satchel of stolen dreams, Michael Woodhouse’s duffle bag of despair, Paul Goldsmith’s kete of misgivings, and he was able to hand on to Andrew Bayly the bumbag of bungled fiscals, and all of it is kept inside the caucus threadbare sack of unity, because we know that members on the other side of the House will hold it together just for a moment before it’s Grabaseat sale No. 10.”
After National leader Christopher Luxon quietly went to Hawaii, but his social media team posted photos of him in Te Puke
“Mahalo, aloha, talofa, and warm Te Puke greetings to you all. Former Labour leader Mike Moore used to joke that if you can fake authenticity, you’ve got it made. Sadly, Christopher Luxon didn’t realise it was a joke; he took it as an instruction ... that lack of authenticity reached new heights yesterday.
It was obvious that, for whatever reason, Christopher Luxon wanted New Zealanders to think he was in Te Puke and not Hawaii. And it is true; they are easily confused.
Mr Luxon and I are both children of the 1970s and 1980s, that golden era when New Zealand had two TV channels and a ratio of sheep to people to make anyone scared.
We grew up with TV shows set in exotic locations: Magnum, P.I., Hawaii Five-O, Close to Home.
All these shows made rural Bay of Plenty look marvellous—no wonder Mr Luxon dreamt of holidays on the sun-drenched beaches of State Highway 33.
In the morning yesterday, when confronted with his mysterious time and hemisphere bending, Mr Luxon finally said what his social media posts did not: “I went to Hawaii in July, as I tend to do.”
I’m not exactly sure how relatable that is. In July, I tend to remember that I haven’t cleaned the guttering out and that’s why there’s a massive waterfall going down my property, but each to their own.
As I tend to do in July, and in most other months, I look forward to the next chapter from the National Party. Surf’s up—the Te Puke Bypass has been built.”
After Paula Bennett announced she was quitting by getting her impersonator, Tom Sainsbury, to do it for her without telling new leader Todd Muller first.
“Paula Bennett woke up in the weekend to decide that she was the next one to leave the sinking ship and she thought about who to tell first and she scrolled through her address book until she reached the letter “t” and she found her options: Tom, Todd, or Tova.
The choice was obvious: a person who had relentlessly been taking the mickey out of her, or Tom Sainsbury.
So the call was made to Tom, and as quick as you can say, “A bowl latte and a ham and cheese panini.” Tom and Paula were filming a video in their kimonos. Meanwhile, Todd [Muller] carried on in his blissful ignorance. Paula said Todd would not look good in a kimono.”
On National’s secret election review after its 2020 drubbing, “Night of the Electoral Dead”
“I’ve actually been given the warning label for the review, which is on top of the sole copy available for reading in the National Party’s caucus room, and it reads this way: “Viewers may find some content offensive or accurate. Contains images of political death spiral, disunity, leaks, awkward walkabouts, $4 billion holes, multiple leaders, policy on the hoof, policy flip-flops, calls for open borders, calls for closed borders, relentless negativity, Denise Lee being hung out to dry, and a 25 per cent result.” Nothing says alternative Government like disunity, leaks, and poor behaviour, and that is apparently what the National Party review document said.”
On John Key’s claim not to have heard of Kim Dotcom, despite him living in Key’s electorate
“A hush comes over the crowd and a quiet voice whispers ‘A German has moved into the mansion.’ John Key is shocked. This is a development of considerable note. ‘A German in the mansion?’ ‘First things first,’ John Key says: “Whatever you do, in no circumstances must anyone tell me the German’s name. It is a matter of national security, and I am struggling to remember all of the things I have got to pretend to forget, so don’t tell me his name.”
On the three leadership contenders after Key resigned as Prime Minister in late 2016
Bill English: “Bill English does not even have the energy to get his hands out of his pockets. His campaign is sponsored by Mogadon. New Zealanders are going to sleep. He is the political equivalent of microwaved fish and chips from the night before, leftovers from 2002 which did not taste good the first time around and are now soggy, flaccid and stale.”
Jonathan Coleman: “Unburdened by modesty or self-doubt, Jonathan is the candidate of change, or rejuvenation. Finally, a rich North Shore doctor so long part of the forgotten class of New Zealand, will get his moment in the sun!”
Judith Collins: “She does not bear grudges. Rather she embraces them, keeps them in a locked, dark cupboard, nurtures them into full-grown feuds and then unleashes them...”
On National’s leadership after the 2017 election
“There is to be a National Party caucus meeting in Tauranga, or as Simon [Bridges] calls it, home advantage. All summer we saw the behaviour of Simon Bridges. It didn’t exactly look like a loyal servant. He popped up in all kinds of puff pieces. He was on Matinee Idle, talking about Nina Simone coming to him recently, whatever that might mean.”
On former Minister of Health, Tony Ryall
“A blaze of tangerine shirts and orange ties.” “Tony Ryall does not even have a plan to get his shirt and tie to match.”
After Jacinda Ardern took over from Andrew Little as Labour leader
“Some people know that I shared an office with Jacinda Ardern, and I want to put on record today that I apologise to her parents because when she entered that office she had never drunk alcohol and did not swear very much.”
PM Christopher Luxon will meet Xi Jinping in Beijing before attending the Nato summit.