NZ flag debate - a great WTF moment of the 21st Century

NZ flag option designed by Richard Aslett. Photo / Supplied

Extract from The Century We'd Rather Forget: A History Of The 21st Century by Prof. Phin McDee, published by University of Amazon Virtual Press, 2101.

Perhaps one of the strangest stories of all the strange stories that filled the 21st century is how the small South Pacific nation of New Zealand tore itself apart in its quest to find a national flag. Quite how this once peaceful country managed to descend into such a state of anarchy that it was dubbed the New Iraq is surely one of the great WTF tales of an era full of WTF tales.

Initially, New Zealand's process towards choosing a new flag was remarkable only for the levels of apathy toward it. Such was the mirth directed at the flag debate that for much of the early campaign the most-favoured flag designs involved popular singer Lorde with rugby balls for eyes, or a kiwi bird with a giant erect penis. Prime Minister John Key, the main proponent of the flag change idea, dismissed this as people just "horsing around".

The first stirrings of widespread flag-based dissent emerged when, in September 2015, the Flag Consideration Panel announced their shortlist of four potential flag designs and the New Zealand populous were stirred into action, if only to tell the panel all the designs "sucked". Panel member and reality television queen Julie Christie did not help calm the waters by suggesting that "maybe it is the people of New Zealand who suck". The people of New Zealand responded by burning to the ground all the houses in the latest series of the reality TV series The Block.

But the die was truly cast when Key was recorded stroking the hair of a waitress as he boasted to his dining companions that he'd already chosen the flag he wanted and the whole process was a sham. Within days, the seeds of what was to follow were planted in the ferociously parochial South Island province of Canterbury, as the Red and Black Brigade was formed. Even by usual one-eyed Cantabrian standards the R&B's (as they became known) were remarkably singular in their belief that only a flag consisting of the colours of the Crusaders rugby team would be an acceptable flag for New Zealand.

Suddenly a process that had once been a standing joke was now a ground-swell of political turmoil. Regional flag options were popping up all over the nation - the black and white ensign of Hawkes Bay; the all black (representing their oil reserves) flag of Taranaki; the marijuana leaf on a sea of sky blue of Northland; and the nondescript grey banner of the Wellington civil servants. An Auckland flag consisting of a dollar sign on a rainbow background was initially thought to be a joke but came to represent Auckland's cultural diversity and, mainly, that they had all the money.

It wasn't long before the separatist movements began. The Tuhoe people of the East Cape announced they were not only flying their own flag but also setting up their own country. The New Zealand Defence Force declined Key's invitation to put down this rebellion, saying: "No way are we going in there - are you nuts?"

Auckland, at the time a so-called super city, was split into two not-so-super halves when the North Shore announced they would be adopting a flag not dissimilar to the South African flag. The creation of a checkpoint on the Auckland Harbour Bridge is now seen as a symbol of the national decline into anarchy. When Otago announced it had aligned with the Scottish National Party and would be flying the flag of Scotland the crisis attained global status.

Meanwhile, in Tauranga, staunch old flag loyalists took to the streets, proudly flying the blue ensign with the Union Flag in the canton from their mobility scooters. As they roamed the streets they would fling used tea bags at perceived opponents in what was meant to represent a kind of reverse Boston Tea Party but which only added to the insanity.

Eventually New Zealand collapsed under the weight of all the flag factions. The economy ground to a halt because people were too busy waving flags to go to work. The Defence Forces were powerless to stop the anarchy and retreated to their Waiouru base where they (literally) raised the white flag.

Ultimately Prime Minister Key had no choice but to turn to America for help. But when, in Washington seeking military aid to defeat the many rebel factions, he inexplicably started tugging President Hillary Clinton's ponytail during a press conference, New Zealand's fate was sealed.

In this way the flag decision was made; and it is why today, the one flag of New Zealand, which flies on every flagpole, on every government building, is the Stars and Stripes.

- Canvas