Dan Bidois: Reflections on finding my birth mother: 'You will feel better knowing the truth'

Dan Bidois and fiancee Courtney Simpson. Bidois says he is fortunate his adopted parents kept good records from his adoption. Photo / Supplied

Opinion

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I was 5 years old when I found out I was adopted. Since then, I've had an immense curiosity to find out about my birth parents but was advised to wait until I was an adult before searching for them.

My eighteenth birthday came and went, and life got in the way of my search; the university years, starting a career, studying and living abroad and most recently serving as a Member of Parliament for Northcote.

Although being voted out in 2020 was devastating, it gifted me the time and the physical, mental, and emotional space I needed to focus on finding my birth parents.

To be clear, I was and consider myself very lucky to be adopted into a loving, caring family. For reasons outlined in this article below I am grateful for the life I've had considering the one that was offered to me at birth. I had no real reason to search for my birth parents other than simply knowing who they are and to provide greater context for me and my life.

It's been a journey so far. I'm fortunate my adopted parents kept good records from my adoption, which included a small booklet with key information about both birth parent's characteristics and backgrounds.

From this, I knew my birth mother's name and that she had me young and was unable to care for me. She was part-Māori, came from a tough background and struggled with mental health. She grew up Catholic and was a sociable person.

Through the investigative efforts of my adopted mother and sister I was able to uncover my birth father's full name and location. My adopted mum recently visited him, but sadly he had no recollection of my birth mother, nor the fact he had fathered me and, quite frankly, he wanted it to stay that way.

Later, we found out that my birth mother had married, enabling us to extend our search for her and her husband. We used two investigators to help us track them down. One investigator struck a dead end and the other informed me she had died and was buried in Northland.

It was by chance that after one conversation with an old friend we received information that my biological mother and her husband were in fact alive and living in Auckland.

Early the next day my fiancée and I went to confirm the address provided. After multiple hours sitting outside and with emotions words cannot describe, I knocked on their door…I'd finally found her.

Well, we met her husband. He was defensive at first, but once I explained to him that I might be his wife's son, he mellowed, apologised, listened, and spoke with me about my mother, her life, and the chance for me to meet her in due course.

Although I was unable to meet her that day, the conversation encouraged me to write a letter to her detailing information about me, my life, and the fact I'm immensely proud of the tough decision she made to put me up for adoption. I included my phone number and a request to meet at any time convenient to her.

At 9pm on New Year's Eve, I received a phone call from her.

Dan Bidois. Photo / Supplied

Unfortunately, she let me know that she's unable to meet due to her current situation; they live in transitional housing and were moving again. While this was disappointing, I understood and respected her decision. I had prepared myself for this response to manage my own expectations.

I spoke to her for 20 minutes and found answers to some of my questions. She simply wasn't ready to be a parent. She was proud of me and wanted me to focus on my own future.

I've since tried to contact her again but without any luck. I have questioned if her not wanting to meet was impacted by guilt, or perhaps she just didn't want to revisit what would have been a traumatic period of her life. Whatever the reason, I write this with the hopes that she reads it and to let her know that I will always be available to meet when and if she is ready.

For now, and despite the outcome, I am glad I was finally able to connect. For over 30 years I've wondered about my birth parents and now I feel a sense of ease and completeness. I've also been able to meet my first cousin, an incredible person who I hope to get to know better and learn from.

In New Zealand, there's estimated to be more than 150,000 adopted individuals. If you're one of these people and you're thinking about searching for your birth parents … go for it. Regardless of the outcome, you will feel better knowing the truth, however raw that truth may be.

And for families of adopted children, my advice is to support your child through this process. Help investigate, be there for a shoulder to cry on or simply to talk to when emotions are high. I cannot thank mine enough for their support.

I learned many things from this process. Above all, is that you're not defined by the circumstances of your birth but by the environment you grow up in. And finally, identity or whakapapa is an important part of one's confidence, wellbeing, and purpose in life.

Understanding one's past provides the fuel needed for a happier and more fulfilling life in the future.

• Dan Bidois is an economist and former National Party Member of Parliament for Northcote.