My fellow New Zealanders. I began these daily briefings to you on the 20th of March and as far as I can tell the date now is the 86th of Martober. You don't have to be crazy to be Prime Minister right now but it helps.
What a long strange ride it has been. Now some of you may think that we are approaching a situation where there is light at the end of the tunnel. Let me be perfectly clear about that. It is and it isn't.
Cabinet will meet at 10:30am on Monday to decide whether we can move to Level 3. And what I want to say to you is this. Level 3 will not be Level 4. Level 3 will be Level 3. Well, what does Level 3 look like? And the short answer is that Level 3 is Level 4 but with fries.
Takeaways might become available. You can also go swimming between the flags. And to that end we will be moving the flags very close together. The ideal distance is something you'll all have got used to – 2m.
On the other hand it's quite cold and so although swimming will be permissible in Level 3, you might want to think twice about going anywhere near the water. The chances are you will get wet and that could lead to a cough and that's the last one you want to catch right now because the neighbours will hear you, and report you to the newly created Cough Police.
They have unlimited powers and so too do the Sniffle Police. Don't be frightened if they kick your door down at dawn and swarm your house in Hazmat suits. The key thing is to relax while remaining in a state of high tension at all times.
And so if you have a sore throat, get a test. And record your movements because we may come and interview you to find out who you've been with. It may be helpful to keep a written record of who you've been with, and a record of their movements, too. If we all do that as a matter of course then we'll create a society built on trust.
There were 371 lockdown breaches in the past 24 hours. Let's work to get that number higher.
A decision on whether New Zealand will come out of lockdown will be announced to the public at 4pm. I don't want to get people's hopes up. Let's not throw away the gains we've made just for the chance to get our hands on a Big Mac or a Whopper or the Supreme pizza from Domino's which comes with pepperoni, rasher bacon, capsicum, ground beef, Italian sausage, mushroom, pineapple, topped with oregano and spring onion.
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Now I know some of you will want further details on that order. But you know my stand. I'm not going to get into hypotheticals, or extra toppings.