Steve Braunias: The secret diary of Concert FM

COMMENT

CONCERT FM

Here is the news.

The highly-regarded German composer Ludwig van Beethoven is said to have grave fears that he is losing his hearing.

Attempts to interview Herr Beethoven were unsuccessful. He bellowed, "What? Speak up!"

Meanwhile, reports are coming in that experienced English sailor Captain James Cook has discovered New Zealand.

But liberal commentators say this will come as a surprise to Māori, who claim they have previously discovered it.

RNZ CEO PAUL THOMPSON

The thing everyone ought to understand about Radio New Zealand is that despite appearances we are very much committed to the concept of getting jiggy with it.

We understand Youth. Many of us were young ourselves and can draw on that experience as we redraft the Radio New Zealand model and set about implementing changes to our platform and pave the way for our brand to get jiggy with it.

Paul Thompson is determined RNZ will get jiggy with it. Photo / Mark Mitchell

As such, we propose to refocus Concert FM by axing all of its presenters and repositioning as a fully-automated service on Concert AM, a move which may require its 17 listeners to adopt a new mindset, but we're confident that they probably won't notice, leaving us to get on with the task of resourcing a new radio service that will appeal to Youth, who, like ourselves, wish only to get jiggy with it.

JACINDA ARDERN

Let me be perfectly clear. It's election year, and the last thing I'm worried about is pandering to the arts community by interfering with Radio New Zealand's plans for Concert FM.

After remembering she was in charge of the arts, Jacinda Ardern decided to intervene. Photo / Mark Mitchell

HELEN CLARK

I am very concerned that there is a pattern here of destruction of cultural services available to New Zealanders.

Helen Clark was concerned about the pattern of destruction of cultural services. Photo / NZME

GRANT ROBERTSON

Oh, God.

HELEN CLARK

Someone will pay for this. You mark my words.

GRANT ROBERTSON

Jacinda. Grant here. We've got a problem.

JACINDA ARDERN

Let me be perfectly clear. I've just remembered that I'm the minister of the arts. I found the portfolio this morning at the back of a drawer, around the same time I was told that the petition to save Concert FM had attracted more than 26,000 signatures.

I shall intervene in this matter immediately. It's election year.

RNZ CEO PAUL THOMPSON

The thing everyone ought to understand about Radio New Zealand is that we are very much committed to the concept of meeting the high cultural standards demanded of us by many New Zealanders, primarily Helen Clark and Jacinda Ardern.

We understand culture. Many of us are cultural ourselves. As such we propose to reframe our refocus on Concert FM by retaining it on an FM frequency, thus maintaining it as a precious taonga. Radio New Zealand is determined to keep things as they are, primarily my job.

CONCERT FM

Here is the news.

Italian composer Antonio Salieri has denied rumours he is engaged in a rivalrous feud with Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from Salzburg. He described it as "fake news".

Meanwhile, reports are coming in that Radio New Zealand remains determined to introduce a new youth-oriented station. It will be known as Jiggy FM.

"We are down," said RNZ chief executive Paul Thompson, miming inverted commas with his fingers, "with the kids."