Oh hello! Fancy seeing my name in my own Secret Diary! I just thought I'd pop by and say that I've been absent these past few weeks because I was thinking very seriously about quitting the diary column – but just when I thought I was out, they pulled me back in.
I mean the National Party leadership race. The prospect of Judith Collins winning that race is just too good to miss.
I was approached by many, many colleagues over Christmas, and they begged me to save the National Party from collapse, ruin, and Bill English.
I said to them, "The timing isn't right. We have to wait until Bill jumps."
And when he did, I was right behind him.
So here I am to announce that I'm seeking the leadership of the National Party, and I know that my many, many colleagues would love to be here with me today, but they said there was somewhere else they had to be.
I'd like to announce that I'm going to respect the wishes of my many, many colleagues who have begged me to save the National Party from collapse, ruin, and Judith Collins.
So here I am to announce that I'm seeking the leadership, and I'm appearing alongside just some of my many, many colleagues, supporters, friends, staff, and one or two passers-by.
You may remember Maggie Barry from such policies as….as….wasn't she great on those gardening shows? And you may remember Nikki Kaye from the last election campaign when she spent a lot of time standing behind Bill English at press conferences, and nodding. Look, she's nodding now! She's nothing if not versatile.
I'm also with Chris Bishop. I don't actually remember ever meeting him before and no one seems to know who he is and what he does, but it's good to have a man in my team because it shows the public that I'm very serious about diversity.
I don't wish to go overboard, but I am the one.
I am the saviour.
I am she who walks among the National flock, and holds aloft a burning branch in the darkness so that they can see the light. I say unto them: behold the light. Step into the light. Look, there's my face! I've got a new haircut and I've mastered the art of smiling.
Do not be afraid.
I want to whisper something in your ear.
I want to tell you something about Jacinda Ardern. I don't wish to alarm you, but I've learned that she's the Antichrist.
People underestimate Satan at their peril. Not I. But I will cast her out! I will rid New Zealand of her evil! And I will do it with goodness, and kindness, and all the other qualities I showed when I was in communication with Whaleoil.
Ardern makes it all about herself. She talks a lot about herself, and her feelings. Well, I have feelings, too. I look forward to sharing the full range of my feelings to the people of New Zealand after I am elected leader of the National Party on February 27. It's going to be a fun year!