Mind Matters: Psychotherapist Kyle MacDonald answers your questions

Christmas can be a very hard and lonely time for some. Photo / 123RF

Q. Is it OK just to ignore Christmas? I'm on my own and I hate Christmas and just pretend it's another day.

A. It can be pretty hard to escape it all, and fair enough for wanting to. It's worth all of us keeping in mind that Christmas can be a very hard and lonely time for some - accentuated by the flood of media messages that tell us how we should be feeling, and what we should be doing, come this time of year.

But we're all free to define it for ourselves - including choosing to opt out. If that helps you survive the season, then so be it - with one exception. It's better to be with people than not. But for some it may also be better to be on their own, than with their family - especially if being with their family is upsetting, triggering or unsafe.

So do what works. But above all be kind - whether that be ignoring the day, or making it special for yourself in some small ways.

Q. I stopped drinking this year, should I just stay home this Christmas and New Year season?

A. That's an option, but also comes with its own risks. There is no question that any plan to stay sober needs to make sure that sobriety is the top priority - always.

It's also really important to build a life worth living - with alcohol. If we deprive ourselves too much we can make going back to drinking seem like an appealing option.

So make a plan. First,if you do choose to socialise at this time of year, give yourself permission to escape any situation at any time - no apologies.

But even better, plan activities that don't revolve around alcohol. Meet friends for breakfast, catch up with people to exercise, drop into Christmas day events, and leave once the booze starts to flow.

And if all that starts to feel too hard, then - and only then - stay home. And know that at the very least you won't be doing anything to make your life worse.

Q. Why am I still affected by the abuse that happened so long ago when I was a child? People tell me I should be over it by now.

A. "Trauma" has become a bit of an overused word these days, but it refers to events that overwhelm our ability to cope emotionally. It's easy to define when talking about a discreet event: a car crash, an assault, soldiers returning from war.

But when trauma unfolds in childhood, it's different. In the same way a tree root grows around an obstacle like a rock - and will stay that shape even when the rock is removed - so our emotional development is altered by traumatic events in childhood.

All our childhoods shape who we become, and if that involves physical, emotional or sexual abuse - especially if it is ongoing - then it alters our life course. It's not that we never "get over it" - good therapy can help us manage and change the worst impacts - but the experiences forever remain part of our life story. But that doesn't have to limit us.

At special times of the year it can be hard not to miss those who aren't there with us. Photo / 123RF

Q. Over the last year my husband of 30 years has died. I'm worried about upsetting my family and grandkids on Christmas day being too upset. What should I do?

A. While we certainly get told that this is the "Happiest time of year" it certainly isn't the case for everyone. Christmas is often marked by grief - as it can be hard not to miss those who aren't there with us. Grief is natural, but we have to make room for it - and finds ways to honour it via remembrance.

What isn't helpful is trying to make it go away or working to not feel it. And even worse than that is hiding and ending up on our own with our grief.

So put aside the saccharine sweet view of Christmas, and include remembering and reflecting as part of the day. And be aware that if loss has featured in your family in the last year some may be feeling it more than others. Make it OK for them - and make room for those no longer with us, via a toast, sharing stories or remembering fun times.

• Kyle MacDonald is an experienced psychotherapist and co-host of The Nutters Club on Newstalk ZB, Sundays at 11pm.