Last blog speaks of anguish

Young Jin Baek (right) was found dead shortly before the funeral service for Holly (left) and her mother and sister. Photo / Supplied

Holly Yeon Jae Baek wrote about her anguish, loneliness and a sense of uselessness in her online diary just hours before she was found dead with her family at their home in Christchurch.

"I am scared, but I decided to follow, I am really scared. I wonder, who will find us first?"

Those were Holly's last words, written in Korean in her blog on the Korean social networking site cyworld.com.

Her final entry was made at 5.48pm on Tuesday, May 4. The next day, Holly, 17, her mother, Sung Eun Cho, 43, and sister Kelly Yeon Sue Baek, 13, were found.

Her father, Young Jin Baek, 44, who flew in from South Korea to arrange their funerals, was found dead in his car on Sunday, hours before the services were due to begin.

"Even though a person smiles all the time, it doesn't mean the person has no sorrow inside. I am only human too," Holly wrote in her final entry.

"Even if a person doesn't talk much, it doesn't mean this person has no thoughts, and even if a person doesn't make any excuses, it doesn't mean the person is guilty."

She used a picture of pink carnations to accompany her entry.

"I am scared of people. Just because we never say we are ... hurt or lonely, don't think we ... are not hurt and not lonely."

Holly wrote that she also felt useless, and betrayed by an unidentified person.

"I am angry because I have done nothing wrong, but I am not complaining because nothing will change anyway. I am even too tired of telling the truth ... I just need to learn to believe in those people again, but I am really disappointed.

"I felt useless like an ant crossing the street which you can kill with just one finger in less than a second. I wanted to believe that the person had a good reason, because that person wasn't a bad person at the beginning. Just like that ant, I was a useless girl to that person."

Holly and her sister attended St Andrew's College, a private high school in Christchurch.

In her earlier entries, Holly wrote about life being hard in New Zealand, and referred to feeling upset, crying and feeling cold.

Ivan Yeo of the Mental Health Foundation said the stigma attached to depression and mental illness was a "major obstacle" stopping many Asian immigrants from reaching out for help.

"Asian cultures tend to find it a loss of face to disclose negative emotions, and this often results in isolation for many who come here.

"They don't reach out for help, because of the stigma attached, and so writing in blogs is sometimes their only avenue of escape. But these often go unnoticed."

He said the foundation had set up an advisory group to explore issues relating to depression and mental illness among Koreans, with the aim of setting up an information website and running workshops and training for social workers and mental health workers in the community.

Messages of condolence continue to pour into Holly's web page.

HELPING HAND

* If it is an emergency and you feel as if you or someone else is at risk, call 111. Or call Youthline 0800-376-633, Lifeline 0800-543-354, Depression Helpline 0800- 111-757, What's Up 0800- 942-8787 (noon-midnight).
* Suicide Prevention Information New Zealand has more information. Visit: www.spinz.org.nz.
* The Ministry of Health also offers information at www.depression.org.nz