Within the family: Why the kids suffer when parents fight

By SUZANNE INNES-KENT

When couples separate, adults who regard themselves as reasonable in most situations become vitriolic in their exchanges with each other, too hurt to be grown up and too helpless to do anything but blame the other for the agonies they feel.

Children find themselves exposed to this conflict, and research is absolutely clear that such exposure is destructive to them.

Because children of all ages tend to see themselves at the centre of events, they are particularly prone to believing unhappy events are somehow their fault.

We say that children have an internal locus of control. That is, they believe cause and effect begins from inside themselves.

They find security when they are able to imagine the possibility of external locus of control.

In practice this means that they are secure when they can see that the adults have things in hand.

Screaming, verbal and physical abuse, helpless weeping, attack and counter-attack, are all signs to a child that the adults are not able to control events, and this leads them to the childish conclusion that they are responsible.

It is this sense of responsibility for very frightening events that undermines the security of children. Adults who are separating may not be able to help feeling enraged with their previously loved and trusted partner, and may be helpless to rise above their anger and hurt.

However, we are not helpless to protect children from the toxic effects of exposure to parental conflict.

After all, if there was a toxic waste dump in the area, we would make sure we kept the children away. Emotionally speaking, this is just as hazardous.

You can keep the children safe by conducting your fights away from them. It is not their business, and allowing them to observe the unpleasantness makes it their business, whatever your words say.

You need to reassure children that unhappiness between the parents is nothing at all to do with the children.

Even if you are fighting about custody arrangements, it is still not the children who are causing your battle.

Conducting fights through the children is equally destructive.

This can be hard to avoid at times, particularly when the children say things that make you want to defend yourself.

One of the hardest is when the children accuse you of causing the other parent's unhappiness.

You want to outline to them, as if in a courtroom, your whole case for the defence. Yet you cannot do this without vilifying the other parent, and that is tormenting for children.

You need to let the the statement go, and simply sympathise with the message behind the accusation that they wish this was not happening.

Hugs, recognition that it is hard and reassurances that things will be better in the future will all help.

It can help children enormously to have an adult of their own to talk to during this period: a grandparent, family friend, neighbour or teacher - someone who will not take sides but is a stable figure during a time of upheaval.

* Suzanne Innes-Kent is a relationships consultant, author and broadcaster.