Within the family: Understanding and managing jealousy

Those who have not felt jealous have not loved, said St Augustine. And Shakespeare showed us the flip side of jealousy when Othello destroyed the being he loved. These examples describe the paradox of a state which is both constructive and destructive on a relationship, and which needs to be understood and managed if it is to be kept in the realm of positive influence.

Jealousy is a response to a sense of perceived threat to something or someone important to you. Moments of jealousy are unlikely to undermine a relationship. They may strengthen it. But a fleeting pang is vastly different from a gnawing anxiety that grows and devours.

It is easy to be convinced of the negative effects of jealousy. In a large international study of jealousy, it was reported that 20 per cent of all murders involved a jealous lover. Two-thirds of admissions to refuges involved assaults triggered by jealousy; and in a nationwide United States study of counsellors, jealousy was an issue for one-third of their clients. So how can it be constructive?

In a close relationship, we gain benefits worth protecting - shared experience, shared resources, a sense of identity, belonging and approval. This all heightens our self-esteem. It is understandable that we would want to protect this from any external threat.

The positive role of jealousy is to alert us to any potential threat so that we can act to avert it. If our partner does not feel this sense of protectiveness, we begin to wonder whether our partner cares about us. We feel neglected and undervalued.

Pangs of jealousy are part of new intimacy. We often need to check out the importance of our partner's friends and activities. Old friends often know our partner better than we do. Perhaps our partner is on good terms with the ex.

It is reasonable in these circumstances to seek and be given reassurance. The first thing to do is to acknowledge it to yourself. Then tell your partner. Do this without accusing, and not in public.

You might say, I'm feeling uneasy about your lunches with X. Your partner will probably want to tell you not to be ridiculous, but that will not help you. In fact, it is likely to make you even more worried. Tell them this is not a sign that you are a neurotic.

Ask for some reassurance, some explanation of what that other relationship means to them, to help you understand and relax.

Try to trace the source of the worry in yourself. Sometimes it has a reasonable foundation. For instance, if your partner works hard and then sees his old schoolfriends, it may be that he is spending more time with others than with you, and this needs negotiating. But maybe it is nothing. If so, reassurance should be a simple matter.

The seeds of jealousy, once planted, grow strong roots. Deal with it early.

* Suzanne Innes-Kent is a relationships consultant, author and broadcaster.