Within the family: Tact and tactics when dealing with foul moods

By SUZANNE INNES-KENT

I have suggested that if you wish to talk to someone about the impact of their moods on others you wait until later.

For some people, later never comes. It is too risky to try to broach the subject, because maybe the trouble that ensues will be worse than the tension of a foul mood. So it's a matter of riding it out and fantasising about the life that might have been if you had not landed yourself with a sourpuss.

On the other hand, there are those who constantly try to tackle the moody person with accusatory statements about selfishness and lack of caring.

This continues despite the obvious evidence that such an approach makes not the slightest difference to future occurrence of the behaviour. It rather reinforces the former view, that tackling the issue doesn't work.

It is possible to ask for a change in behaviour, but there is a subtle difference between tact and tactics.

Tactics go with martial arts, and only one slip of the pen turns marital into martial. Martial tactics may give you an initial advantage but will ultimately defeat you.

Examples are:

* The pounce. This is a move which allows the other person no time to think about what to say. You have been thinking about it and that is enough.

* The side-swipe. You do not address the person, but you tell someone else in their hearing how impossible they are. This way they cannot answer back. And finally ...

* The rain of blows. Once they're down, having used one or more of the above, you can use their weak position to tell them everything that has irked you in living memory.

Marital tact, on the other hand, requires a different set of approaches which are respectful and unprovocative. Here are the main moves in a constructive request:

* The invitation. Let the other know that you would like to talk about a communication issue. Tell them it's not a complaint - it's a desire to manage it better.

* The description. Raise the issue as a description, without judgment attached. Not "You know when you were a real swine the other day" but "The other day you were more silent than usual and snapped when we spoke to you."

* The impact. Describe what it is like for others. "It's hard for the rest of us to know what to do."

* Tell them your need. "We just need an indication of what you're thinking." For instance, "If you're not angry at us, we need to know."

* The request. And suggest a change. "If you could just say, 'Don't worry, it isn't you,' that would help a lot." The change needs to be specific and within their power to achieve. You are not asking them not to have a bad mood, but simply to make some accommodation of your needs while they have it. Don't make it a speech.

They need time to offer their own thoughts. But this way there is no criticism of them, and the thing you request is probably manageable.

* Suzanne Innes-Kent is a relationship consultant, author and broadcaster.