By SUZANNE INNES-KENT
I have been talking about jealousy which is misplaced - more imagined than real. But what if there are good grounds?
Carol told me she had a friendship with a man who lived in another town. Once a week she would drive there to have a coffee with him.
Her partner hated her going, and she would tell him not to be ridiculous. She would get very angry and accuse him of not trusting her. Then he would apologise, but remain miserable. Years later, and after the breakup of her relationship, she told me she could now see that she was flirting with her friend, and seeking greater intimacy with him than with her partner. She was not having an affair with him, but would not admit to herself or her partner how important her friend was to her.
Close friendships are a common and potentially painful source of threat to our primary partner. Because we are not doing anything that could be regarded as betrayal, we are often defensive about our rights. But some behaviours with friends are reasonably construed as disloyal to our partner. These are the actions which imply, "Your concerns do not matter to me. My right to see who I want takes precedence over anything else." Sometimes this becomes a refusal to let a partner know where you are going, as this feels like a lack of trust.
Trust is built on evidence of reason to be trustworthy. Of course, it is essential to have freedom to have your own friends, but if you truly want this to work easily, there are some caring behaviours which will help your partner feel relaxed about it:
* Ensure you are open with your partner about contact with the friend.
* Ensure that when your partner truly needs you, you make a priority of your partner rather than your friend.
* Be open with your partner about time with your friend. If you find you are holding things back, perhaps you are not being truthful to yourself.
* Listen to your partner's concerns. If, for instance, you are using Friday nights to socialise with the friend, and your partner thinks Fridays are times when couples can relax together after a busy week, listen to those concerns.
* Be realistic - a friend of the same gender as your sexual interest is likely to be more of a threat to your partner.
* Make sure you talk about your partner in positive terms to the friend. Does the friend take an interest, or do they not want to hear about your family life? If the latter, whatever your own motivation, your partner has reason to be worried.
If you truly do prefer your friend's company to your partner's, you have a major issue on your hands.
* Suzanne Innes-Kent is a relationships consultant, author and broadcaster.
By SUZANNE INNES-KENT
I have been talking about jealousy which is misplaced - more imagined than real. But what if there are good grounds?
Carol told me she had a friendship with a man who lived in another town. Once a week she would drive there to have a coffee with him.
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