KEY POINTS:
The odds of being attacked by a shark this summer are far greater than ever before, with 117 unconfirmed shark sightings in the harbour since Thursday.
As one of the country's only shark experts listed in the Yellow Pages, I was asked by Mayor John Banks to assess
the dangers and offer some solutions. Naturally, like Sheriff Brodie in the blockbuster Jaws, I suggested he close down all the beaches, beginning with Takapuna where many of the great whites have been spotted but, predictably, like the sleazy mayor character in the same movie, he flatly refused, claiming that "it would be bad for summer business". (Where's the strong leadership of Dick Hubbard when you need it?)
I launched into a tirade of abuse, explaining that "the deaths of hundreds of innocent people will be on your hands" and for effect I slapped a half-eaten sea lion on to his desk. I had extracted this from the belly of a 6m tiger shark during a routine shark autopsy the night before.
All rather dramatic, but at the end of the day he asked me for my opinion.
So you are attacked by a man-eating shark - what do you do?
Well, the first thing to do is to try to ascertain what sort of shark is attacking you. A great white will attack you in a different way than, say, a mako or even a bronze whaler, even a silver whaler for that matter, so it's important to recognise the signature moves of these ocean predators.
Great whites tend to come at you from below and at pace, and they will attempt to consume you in four mouthfuls or less. It would be like us eating a mixed kebab with only three or four bites.
The mako, on the other hand, tends to be more of a nibbler, starting with the loose bits like legs or testicles.
It would be like eating a kebab with lots of small bites and having absolutely no regard for the structural integrity of the kebab itself. Obviously this is effective but it is also very messy, as chilli sauce and yoghurt are likely to go everywhere.
Once you are fairly sure what sort of shark is attacking you, you will want to take some action to prevent the attack continuing.
Prevention is obviously the best cure, and the best way to avoid most shark attacks is to stay out of the water entirely. Sharks have very few attacking options if you are 20 or 30m above the high-tide mark or, better still, at home watching TV but, let's be honest, this isn't always a realistic option. If you surf, for example, you will need to get into the water at some stage as surf and surfing go hand in hand, you can't have one without the other. To my knowledge, Ric Salizzo is the only surfer who goes on surf holidays but never actually surfs.
Ric can stare at the sea for hours, reading all manner of different surf breaks only to eventually retire to the car or bach claiming, "It just doesn't feel right!"
You might laugh but everybody knows that Ric has never been attacked by a shark, so there is some method to the madness.
Let's assume that you actually want to go in the water this summer. I would suggest swimming in a shark cage. These can be expensive to buy, so you might want to lease one. Alternatively you could make your own like I did out of a council approved wheelie bin. Your days in the water will obviously be dictated by your rubbish days as it's always best just after it has been emptied. It might not look very sexy but it might just save your life.
The latest American research suggests that if you cover your torso in tinfoil much like a kebab it can prevent many sharks taking a second bite, as the foil will irritate the many rows of sensitive teeth. Those large disposable oven trays will also do the trick but there is always the chance that your body will now take on the properties of a giant fishing lure, inviting the initial attack.
Let's assume you are in the water and for some reason you are not wrapped in tinfoil or have disposable oven trays strapped to your torso, and you are attacked by a great white - what do you do?
If you are expecting me to say don't panic, you are wrong because that's exactly what you should do as this is a very serious situation. You must try to stick your fingers into the fifth gill down, on the right side of the shark (that's your right, not the shark's). This starboard gill is the "master" gill that controls all the other gills. Damage this and the rest will shut down and the shark will drown in brine.
Remember this approach won't work for makos or bronze whalers, as they are mammals and are actually more closely related to seals and dolphins than great whites - not a lot of people know that.
Above all try to keep some perspective, after all, you are far more likely to be killed by a stroke while reading this column than by an ocean predator like a shark.