KEY POINTS:
Like many people, I spend many hours at home trying to come up with natural remedies for all manner of conditions and ailments.
There is a natural urge for humans to want to cure what makes us sick, but nowadays there is far more incentive, as finding the
next cure for baldness, athlete's foot or writer's block can be very profitable.
It has been well documented that alcohol is a reliable cure for writer's block, as it stimulates an area of the brain called the medulla euphoria, which makes the brain more creative.
Unfortunately, the medulla euphoria is the same area of the brain that makes fat, ugly women look attractive, so rather than sitting down and penning a great manuscript or novel after drinking alcohol, men are far more likely to be in the midst of a one-night stand with an ugly woman.
Alcohol also makes us tired and lazy, so even if we do become more inspired, this is counterbalanced by an unwillingness to take any ideas to the next level.
I log all my experiments in a small notepad and what follows is a selection of the more interesting ones. It might be worth mentioning that all my experiments are subject to copyright and a number of the more successful ones are currently working their way through the patent office.
Impotence is a condition that can affect most men at some stage in their lives. I am yet to experience it but have been conducting experiments in controlled conditions in an attempt to find a cure should I begin to suffer at some stage in the future.
Rather than a Cyalis or a Viagra-type product I have been experimenting with Thai sweet chilli sauce. I have found that if I put a drop on each nipple, I soon become aroused, and that arousal can last for up to 36 hours.
I have double-checked my results by experimenting with mayonnaise, Worcester sauce and Coleman's hot mustard. None of these products gave me anywhere near the same results.
The Worcester sauce probably came closest but my erection lasted for only 12-14 hours and I don't consider it to be anywhere near as solid. Neither did Tina, the undergraduate who assisted me with my research. There were no side-effects to speak of either, other than, of course, small stains on the inside of my shirt and my sheets but this is a small price to pay for a healthy sex life, even if it is condiment enhanced.
For writer's block I have adopted a solution that uses the hidden powers of the mind. I try to visualise the writer's block as a heavy block that must be removed from my head.
To assist with this process I tape a 1kg block of cheese to the top of my head and wander about the house. Feeling the weight of the cheese encourages me to imagine what it must be like to not have a block of heavy cheese bearing down on top of me. I will stare at myself in the mirror imagining all the incredible ideas that will flow through my mind once the block of cheese has been removed. Then when I feel I am ready, I will remove the block from my head and let the ideas flow.
My first idea is normally food related, as the whole process can be quite draining. Usually I will make a cheese toastie, and as I am now feeling more creative I spice it up with exotic sauces - Thai sweet chilli sauce is one of my favourites.
The 1kg block of cheese is a prime example of the placebo effect, as the writer's block was all in my mind. When the 1kg block of cheese is removed I am able to write again and turn out the kind of work you are reading at the moment.
This weekend, Tina and I are now conducting experiments to see what can be done for somebody who suffers from both writer's block and impotence at the same time.