KEY POINTS:
How did raising kids ever get so bloody complicated? Our parents had it far easier than us. Oh sure, they had little things to worry about - like the Cold War, Rogernomics and carless days - but generally speaking, parenting was a doddle back then.
For one thing,
self-esteem hadn't been invented, which made their job much easier. Instead of worrying about whether or not we had enough of it, they just got on with things.
Conveniently, they weren't burdened with guilt if they smacked our bottoms. Politicians left children's bottoms alone in those days, which seemed to work quite well.
Another reason our parents had it easier is that they had to look after only their own social life. It wasn't their responsibility to make sure that we had one as well. They didn't have to arrange "play dates", because we simply walked to our friends' houses.
What's more, after-school activities were much easier to schedule, because there were none. After-school activities consisted of whatever you wanted to do, as long as you didn't get into trouble.
Parents did not have to organise ballet, art classes, after-school maths tuition, Pippins, Keas, athletics, soccer, drama, advanced drama, hip-hop classes, swimming lessons and karate.
Most of all, they did not have to suffer the long darkness of the soul that is Tee-ball season.
Those were also the days before punishment became extinct. Instead of giving little Tarquin time to reflect on his poor choices, they just punished him, which took a lot less time. We have cunningly replaced the p-word with the c-word: "consequences". Why? Because after they invented self-esteem, we had to get rid of punishment, which makes children feel bad. We don't want children to feel bad. Oh no, we want them to "make better choices". We want them to feel good all the time.
I cannot wait until the children raised under this new regime graduate to adulthood, because then I will finally start reaping the benefits. Once these kids are running the IRD, I won't be fined for not paying my taxes on time, I will simply be asked politely but firmly to "make better choices". If I don't pay up, they won't take my house, they will simply utilise "planned ignoring" and look for more positive behaviours to reinforce.
Education was much easier in those days, too. For instance, our parents did not have to attend endless meetings about our behaviour because the teachers were still allowed to discipline children. If I was bad, I was strapped, and then, as I grew older and my buttocks grew more robust, I was caned. Incredibly, neither of these experiences led to my choosing a life of crime and violence. Instead, I came to the stellar conclusion that being good and following the rules meant that life was less painful.
Most of all, our parents were lucky because Google had not been invented. If they didn't know something, they just had to muddle on. When I googled "parenting advice", I got 7,340,000 hits. Similarly, toilet training got me 1,430,000 hits. Even "children's self-esteem" got me 1,630,000 hits. Pick one - any one. Hell, pick two, because there's a ton of advice to go round.
One can't help but wonder if this is all getting just a bit out of hand.
We are overcome with self-doubt, blown about by the comings and goings of the next parenting fad. Recently, during a weak moment when I should have been working, I allowed myself to be briefly drawn into a debate on a parenting blog.
Someone called Ted was pushing the old attachment barrow, saying that kids who were left to cry themselves to sleep would be forever damaged by it. Ted was concerned about stress hormones and brains. Ted used the word "cortisol" very knowledgeably.
I said that I thought all the attachment stuff was a bit overdone. I said I was left to cry as a kid, and I was fine. I'd left my kids to cry, and they were fine. I said: "Relax, don't worry so much." Ted said, in a very polite way, that I was an ill-informed, reckless fool. If only I had access to the "experts", Ted wrote, I would understand that both me and my children were irreparably damaged.
Now to be honest, I don't really care all that much what the Teds of this world think. What does bother me is not so much that there's all this disagreement but that everyone thinks they're right. What's more, the claims made about everyone's respective "rightness", and the harm that will befall your children if you don't listen, are getting grander all the time.
There is apparently no end of things that can damage kids, from not reading enough bedtime stories to putting them in Jolly Jumpers when they're babies. Apparently, Jolly Jumpers are bad for posture. Bugger. We left my youngest son in one for extended periods while he bounced and giggled like a loon. He seems fine, but then, what would I know? I'm no scientist, I'm just his dad.
What I can't work out, though, is that if modern humans have been around for 200,000 years, how did we manage to last 199,950 years without the benefit of all that expert advice? How did we manage to get all that way without all the science and the flashcards and the stimulating activities? This is perhaps the greatest unsolved mystery of human evolution.
Except, do you know what the real rub is? It isn't even the scientists spreading all this doom and gloom. Scientists are generally cautious and rarely make bold claims. For the most part, the people making all the bold claims are non-scientists who claim to have "read the research".
Now this might seem an odd thing to say from someone who has written books for parents, but there you go.
I've been working with all kinds of families for a long time now, and in particular, I tend to work with kids who end up in the too-hard basket.
The great thing about this is that all of the usual "expert" stuff has usually been tried and has failed by the time I get there. This gives me the freedom to largely ignore it.
I loathe being described as an "expert", simply because I truly believe there is no such thing. There are simply people you talk to when you get stuck, some of whom are helpful and some of whom aren't.
So the big question really has to be - how do we get off the spinning top? There are two simple solutions. The first is that you give your children away. If this seems too difficult, then the second option may be easier: you simply stop playing the game.
The truth is that we don't have to worry and fret about all this stuff, we don't have to arrange 26 after-school activities, we don't have to run ourselves ragged amusing them, and we don't have to plan the biggest, most amazing birthday party, where everyone is guaranteed to win a prize, and the loot bags all have iPods.
Most of all, we don't have to fight all their battles to protect them from bad feelings.
All I think you need to remember are five simple things, and you'll have as good a chance as anyone of raising healthy, happy, law-abiding kids:
1. Feed 'em.
2. Water 'em.
3. Give them somewhere warm and dry to sleep.
4. Punish them when they're bad.
5. Be nice to them when they're good.
Of course, you have to love them as well, but I try not to labour that stuff too much because most of us already get it without being told. Essentially, when it comes to raising kids, I'd agree with Albert Einstein: Make everything as simple as possible, but no simpler.
* Clinical psychologist Nigel Latta's latest book How to Have Kids and Stay Sane is published by HarperCollins ($19.99).
