Ron Salter comes to tears pretty quickly when he talks about how a man died at his family business.
"Your whole world falls apart. You don't know what to do."
Sleep has been a problem. He's been sick to his stomach, such is the shock of the events of Tuesday afternoon when a massive explosion shook South Auckland and took the life of Jamey Lee Bowring.
The 24-year-old had been welding atop a 100,000-litre tank at Salter's Cartage, waste oil collectors of Wiri, when it blew up.
Mr Salter is a man in agony. As he speaks, he hunches his shoulders in tight and his hands fret at each other. His voice breaks and eyes tear up.
"I was in my office at the site - 1.36, bang," he says of the time of the explosion. "It was just this large bang and all the windows shattered ... the glass windows blew in."
It was chaos. Screaming from the administration office, instructions to call 111 - "Send fire, send ambulance, send everyone".
Everyone was evacuated. "The girls grabbed the staff list," he says, describing how they moved out of the business. "We practise this, to get everyone out of the yard because of what we store there. We accounted for all our staff and handed the list over to police.
"I didn't know Trevor had brought his boy on site until Trevor was yelling out for him. He was yelling out Jamey's name but I didn't even know who Jamey was. Someone across the road found him."
Trevor Ackers tried to reach his stepson and Mr Salter had to hold him back. "With being involved in motorsport, you know to let the professionals do it."
It's three days since, when Mr Salter speaks, and the yard has been blessed, thanks to police. Mr Salter can't speak highly enough of the officers he has encountered.
He's lost, he says. "I don't know what to do. Pray. Hope. I don't know whether I need to go and get counselling. I'm lucky people have come and stayed with me each night so I don't do anything stupid."
His wife, Natalie, is overseas with their daughter. "At least they are shielded from this. You wouldn't wish this on your worst enemy."
He had known Trevor Ackers for more than 20 years. Mr Ackers had worked at Harris Race Cars before striking out on his own where one of his first jobs was to build a race car for Mr Salter. Since then, Mr Salter has "always pushed any work" he could towards Mr Ackers.
He had sent a text message to Mr Ackers to see if he wanted to talk. "He came back and said it was too raw at the moment." He had to make the approach but "I don't know what I could say to him. He's lost his stepson. I could never ask Trevor's forgiveness for this.
"I am dreadfully sorry and remorseful that it happened. His pain will be worse than mine but, Christ, I know mine is raw. I know I'll never be able to fix his pain."
The authorities had been given the access needed to investigate the accident. CCTV footage would have captured what happened - the codes have been turned over. All records, including email, are available for scrutiny.
"It's so they can find out what happened. Everyone needs to know. I just don't know where it's going to end. One of the things I don't understand is why ... and I think it will be a long time until I understand."
There's a pride in those who work for Salter's Cartage, he says. The trucks turn out nicely, the company is professional at what it does and does its job well, he says. "I'm proud of all my staff." The business works hard to keep customers happy - it's been collecting waste oil from the same customers for 36 years.
Mr Salter's father started the business and asked his son to join at age 23. That was when the company had a 27,000-litre tank on the front lawn of the family home. "They were the old days when there were no rules."
Now it's different - safety is at the core of the business, or Mr Salter thought it was. The trucks are limited to 90km/h and the cabs are fitted with cameras facing forward and back. "I was proud of my safety record until now."
It needs to get working again. There are 25 staff and 35 trucks. He's got 25 families for whom he says he's responsible - they need jobs and he needs income so he can pay wages. But it will be sold - he was already working on making it ready for sale.
"This was the final straw. I loved what I built. It's my baby. I've still got a passion for what I built. But I'm tired now. I'm exhausted after 36 years of it."
Nothing had ever stopped Mr Salter. He raced cars, he raced trucks. He hit business at top speed and fought for what he had. "I'm an honest person but a hard person."
But now he's stopped cold. "Being in business this long doesn't prepare you for anything like this. It's changed everything. It tears you apart."