KEY POINTS:
Whenever I feel down or want to feel close to Dad, I fry a few slices of Spam and eat it with rice and dark soya sauce.
Dad was many things to our family - a provider, a loving father and a good husband. But one thing he
was definitely not was a good cook. So, on the rare occasions when he was tasked to prepare tea, he'd fry a few slices of Spam, tip them on a plate of steamed rice, added a dash of dark soya sauce - and that was dinner.
But the fact that I still look to Spam, rice and soya sauce as a source of comfort showed that what my Dad did aside from his primary responsibilities meant a lot more to me than I realised.
In a typical Asian family the role of the father is quite distinct and my Dad typified that. He was our family's sole breadwinner and worked long hours.
At home, he spends a considerable amount of time helping Mum with cleaning, washing and other household chores, so I guess that makes him a good husband.
However, raising the kids, well, that was Mum's job.
Over the years, expectations of fathers have changed, but the biggest challenge is living up to being a father in a society completely different from the one where I grew up. In your typical Asian family, most fathers don't do Mum things, such as taking the kids to Scouts, or soccer, or reading bedtime stories.
But that is so not true with Kiwi families. The degree of involvement of fathers varies among families, but it is common for dads here to be more hands-on and playing a far more active role.
Kiwi grandpa probably was hands-on in raising Kiwi dad. Naturally, Kiwi dad now does the same for Kiwi son. So although it is second nature for Kiwi dads to play and treat their kids like pals because their own fathers did so, it is different for many immigrant parents.
I grew up being told that a good father is one that provides well for the family. Period.
When taking my kids to swimming and karate, a duty I now share with my wife, I get to meet and chat with other migrant fathers and also get to listen to their complaints.
"Since moving here, my life has been downgraded from golf clubbing to toilet scrubbing," said a Korean father I met at swimming. And because his wife worked in the restaurant business they started, he was left to do the lowly thing of taking the kids to their weekend activities.
But is that not a good thing? Is someone a "good father" just because he is able to provide for the family?
Some commented about how lucky some Asian international students were because of the millions their parents gave them. But I'm sure many would rather trade their dollars for more time with their mums and dads.
I have seen Kiwi dads playing with their sons and daughters in the parks, on the sports fields and in swimming pools. How I wished I could be as natural as them when playing with my own children.
Sure, we get to read in the news about dads who abuse their kids. But for every one of those there are thousands we don't read about who dote on their children. And the Western-style of parenting - where dad plays with his kids, gets involved in their lives and is there for them - is one that's worth emulating.
What I remember best about my Dad was not about how hard he worked or how he spent nothing on himself but everything on the family, but the time he took me to Singapore's Botanic Gardens and cycling at the park.
As a father now, I strive to be everything that my Dad was, plus all the things I wished he had been. But I have found the going tough.
My 8-year-old son came home from school and asked me: "Who do you think will win the Rugby World Cup.
"All Blacks, of course," I replied.
"And who do you think will score the first try for the All Blacks?"
I was stumped. I am totally clueless about rugby, and cricket and netball.
I grew up with soccer and the English Premier League. I could tell him about Ryan Nelsen, Blackburn Rovers or Manchester United, but he's not interested because that's not what his friends talk about at school.
So when Father's Day comes around this Sunday I will not be phoning my Dad in Singapore. I did that in June - apart from having different expectations lumped upon us as fathers, we come from countries that celebrate such days on different dates.
Instead, I'll fry a few pieces of Spam for lunch, and use the day to update myself on the Rugby World Cup - so I can have a decent conversation with my son.
* lincoln@iballmedia.co.nz
