KEY POINTS:
News item - Fiji: Alone Under The Gun. Another news item - Aussies Propose Political Union and Anzac Currency.
To be perfectly Frank, he isn't. If he was, he'd be wrestling ocelots with his bare teeth or plucking orphans from burning buildings, heedless of any danger flames
might pose to his lava-lava.
Instead, he's rava-rava busy conducting a coup. Which is not the sort of thing a Commodore should be doing.
Catching elderly Rolling Stones when they fall out of coconut trees, yes!
Cheering lustily (in a manly and military manner) at the annual Police v Army Rugby match, yes!
But taking the rozzers' guns off them just because they won, no!
Faced with such outrage, every fair-minded Kiwi should cancel their Fijian holiday forthwith - at least until the resorts slash prices.
Taking a stand like that would make it clear to the imperfect Frank that we don't approve of the Bainimorass he's creating in Couji.
The other thing we should do is endorse the recommendation from an Australian Parliamentary Committee that our two great nations embrace an "Anzac" currency and political union.
Union would definitely give us more clout with a Bully venaka like Frank. In addition to registering our profound disapproval of his despotic actions by telling him he can't visit his daughter here, a united Austrazealia (or Aotearalia) could also prevent any family reunions at Dream World on the Gold Coast. And that would send a clear message to any would-be tyrants in the Pacific!
There are other advantages. Political union would mean voters in both countries could dislike the same PM, thus avoiding duplication and saving quite a lot of money.
Amalgamating our sports teams could be trickier. Not cricket; that would be a doddle. All you'd need is a beige uniform for the bloke carrying the drinks and problem solved. But rugby would be more problematic. It's hard to see fans on this side of the Tasman taking kindly to the prospect of seeing the All Blacks with a yellow streak.
Still, you can't have your Pav and eat it too!
A high-level working party chaired by extinguished Poet Laureate, Mr Jam Hipkins, supports the union proposal.
This eminent group has been given two weeks to create a new (inter)National Anthem and, such is their diligence, they have already produced a first draft, tentatively entitled Waltzing Mataura and using our tune, cos it's better:
God of nations, here we are
Godzone and Au-stra-li-ahhh
Now we're one we will go fa-a-ar
In bonza, bewdy aroha
The multicultural touch in that last line will surely moisten the eyes and unite the hearts of Okkers and Mockers alike.
And so will a properly designed flag. Accordingly, he's proposing a black flag with a green border featuring at its centre a pictorial amalgam of our beloved national symbols, the kangaroo and the kiwi.
Imagine a kangaroo from the pouch down fused with a kiwi from the pouch up and that's basically it.
Whether the citizens of Austrazealia (Aotearalia) would become known as kangawis or kiwiroos is another matter.
Probably kiwiroos because, when you say kangawis it sounds ever so slightly incontinent and may therefore encourage irreverent mirth at kindergartens everywhere.
Other practical details have caused a frisson of dissent, particularly the vexed question of where to put the capital.
It can't be either of the present ones, obviously. As anyone who's been to Canberra will know, it's basically Ashburton with bureaucrats and therefore out of the question. And so is Wellington.
Any sensible town planner deciding where to put things now would possibly consider the rain-soaked, wind-swept, quake-prone precincts of Wellington suitable for something nondescript and inconsequential like a Fijian Army camp. But that's it!
One attractive alternative is Norfolk Island. A capital there would have wide appeal. Australian politicians would like it because it used to be a penal colony, New Zealand politicians would like it because it's warm, and the electorate would like it because the best place for any MP is the middle of the ocean.
Which leaves only the matter of money and, here again, Mr Hipkins' working-party is adamant that any Anzac currency should have Anzac names. Allowing for the inexorable march of inflation, the new 10c piece will be called the Stadium, because we won't have one, while the 20c piece will be the Holmes because it's small and you don't see it much.
The 50c will have an Aussie name. It'll be the thong, thus enabling thrifty shoppers to say, "I bought it for a thong".
And the Anzac dollar will, naturally, be the biscuit.
So, as soon as we're unionised, we'll all be able to march into our newsagents, slap a couple of biscuits on the counter, get three thongs and a Holmes in change plus The Sydney and New Zealand Morning Herald then catch up all the news about Fiji's President (Commodore Bainimarama's daughter) and her urgent appeal for real assistance from our Prime Minister, Fred Dagg (aka John Clark) to help her crush the gang of armed politicians trying to overthrow the military.
Won't that be nice?
