KEY POINTS:
Slowly but surely, sadly but inevitably, the sun is setting on the glorious, news-free hiatus that redeems us every Christmas. Reality is beginning to intrude.
Normal transmission is resuming. The ambiguities of another year loom larger.
But at least we can start our annual pilgrimage into the unknown
with a trusty compass. Because there are folk for whom the future is a movie screened in advance. They can tell us what will happen before it has.
Which they do in this Beginner's Guide to 2009 - as foreseen by three prescients who've been there already:
- Ms Epiphany Mulche, clairvoyant to the stars, whose clients include "a lot of famous people who wish to remain anonymous, although if I mentioned the name Alan Bollard you'd get some idea".
- Dr David Thrice-Blessed, Professor of Statistical Probability at the University of Dargaville's School of Random Anomalies.
- Madame Angora "The Nostradamus of Pakuranga" whose popular show, Tomorrow is Just Yesterday Backwards screens monthly - weather permitting - on Triangle TV.
As you'd expect, what with the sun spots and all, their prognostications vary a tad although Ms Mulche and the Professor agree high drama is imminent.
Dr Thrice-Blessed is predicting 2009 will be the Year of the Shoe. "That Baghdad bloke who tossed his trainers at George Bush has started a trend that will climax during the United States presidential inauguration this month, assuming the laws of statistical probability are any guide, and they probably are, although statistically that's not certain."
Vagaries aside, Professor Thrice-Blessed hopes "President-elect Obama wears a hard hat on the day. I would if I were him - and it is statistically possible that I am. Because I foretell that he will be bombarded with shoes throughout proceedings."
But the footwear won't be flung by journalists, he says. Instead the attack will come from "other world leaders like Gordon Brown, President Putin and the androgynous Kevin Rudd, all insanely jealous of Obama's manly visage, tanned bod and washboard abs, not to mention the fact that he's allowed to hang out in John Key's groovy $5.6m pad.
"So they'll pelt him with sturdy brogues, smelly sneakers and Gucci gummies unless the CIA can polish them off first."
Happily, Ms Mulche foresees the throwing of something less menacing.
"It will actually be a lifeline," she insists, "thrown, of all people, by George Bush." Epiphany Mulche is predicting he will have one "on January the 17th, just after lunch - a salad, incidentally. That's when President Bush will stun the world by announcing he was wrong and the Taleban were right.
"He'll pledge support for their enlightened programme of oppressing women, denying education to girls, censoring anything sensual and forcing 8-year-olds to stay married.
"Instantly, and for the first time, the Taleban will be condemned by Western journalists, academics and liberals on the perfectly reasonable basis that anything America is for they must be against.
"President Obama will then make this prejudice the cornerstone of his foreign policy. As a result, Osama bin Laden will be dobbed in by a CNN stringer in May and Germaine Greer will lead an all-volunteer women's regiment to Afghanistan in June." She may or may not return from this heroic venture - the stars are unclear.
"Statistically, it is possible somebody will care," adds Professor Thrice-Blessed.
Madame Angora, on the other hand, doesn't see turbulence of this magnitude in the short term.
She's forecasting "a very quiet start to the year locally. I don't see anything happening until March when Noelle McCarthy broadcasts an original thought, probably on a Tuesday".
The Nostradamus of Pakuranga also believes "it'll be a huge year for Winston Peters. What I'm hearing from the other side is that the Government will ask him in April to be our honorary consul in Zimbabwe".
And while she's not sure if he'll say "yes" (for a change), Madame Angora is certain Helen Clark will stun us by launching an entirely new career.
"Early in May, she'll agree to star in Baz Luhrmann's new romantic comedy, Carry On, Hadron, also starring Al Gore as Nicole Kidman, the gutsy nuclear physicist who stops the world being sucked into a black hole.
"It'll be like VE Day on steroids," says Epiphany Mulche.
"And Gore's got to do something," quips the professor. "Now the British Met Office has officially declared 2008 the coldest year this century, Global Warming is clearly a dead duck. Statistically speaking, the Hadron Collider is a shoo-in as our next major panic."
Dr Thrice-Blessed predicts: "It will start again in June, but it won't tip us into a black hole when the particles collide. Instead, we'll be catapulted into a parallel universe where Oprah Winfrey is UN Secretary-General and Bernard Madoff is running the World Bank.
"I honestly think that'll be more fun." However, Ms Mulche is picking "some really scary stuff involving Hadron in July but I only do six months in advance. If you want anything beyond that, you'll have to call my 0900 number".
Even the simplest of sooths would say it's a cert that a large number of gullible souls will do exactly that.
