KEY POINTS:
Wiremu Snuggly-Phitting was glad to be heading home. He was tired. Very tired. It had been a hard day, full of problems, not least of them being the dreadful hassle he'd had finishing his Power Point presentation for Cannes.
It was going to be a biggie, the Cannes
job. At least 50 top bureaucrats were winging their way over - Business Class, of course, no point risking some bleary-eyed, jet-lagged Civil Servant staggering up to Angelina Jolie and cheerfully bellowing, "Hi, Shania! How's the homestead!!!"
Taxpayers simply didn't realise the truly ghastly effect such an incident could have on our international reputation, Wiremu thought sadly - and they never would, the silly sausages. Thank heavens the Minister of Finance did. At least he was prepared to spend other people's money in a sensible manner.
Everyone at work had been thrilled to see the Harold headline - Government says NO to personal tax cuts. And even more excited when Melissa, their Head of Department, had hinted that Budget '07 might include some "additional operational funding" for their vital and essential Strategic International Promotion and Marketing Initiatives.
"It's very handy having a boss who isn't part of the Old Boys Network but is part of the New Girls Network," Wiremu had quipped and naturally, everyone agreed.
Trouble was the extra funds weren't available yet, so there still wasn't quite enough in the kitty to do the Cannes job properly. And it had to be done properly. It was a biggie - a real biggie, and Wiremu was the star turn.
He'd been shoulder-tapped to front the all-important presentation for the world's top movie producers and directors. Shoot New Zealand had been the original title but, wouldn't you know it, that tacky business in Wanganui had forced a hasty rethink.
Happily, for a mere $150,000 ("taxpayers' money well spent" Melissa had smiled), the ad agency came up with a snappy new title Ready! Set! Go New Zealand! "That'll spin Spielberg's wheels," was the general view in the office.
"It b%@&y well better!" Melissa had snapped. "With some new manufacturer going down the gurgler or off to Thailand just about every day, New Zealand's lakes, mountains, streams, rivers and vast empty landscapes have become an absolutely essential part of our new Knowledge Economy!"
"What about farming?" someone had asked. "What about dairying?"
"Ohhh, don't be stupid!!!!" was Melissa's belligerent reply. "Cows are so uncoooool!" Well, perhaps, thought Wiremu sadly, but at least there's plenty of them! He'd spent hours looking for lush, scenic shots of wood pigeons flying gracefully down Queen St and couldn't find a single one! Plenty of turkeys but they all looked like Auckland City Councillors so that wouldn't open any wallets at Cannes - unless the Council was sending its own delegation, of course.
Gripped by the cold hand of despair, Wiremu turned into the driveway of the whanau's home, momentarily wondering why that heartless Dr Bollard hadn't excluded Public Servants from his spiteful interest rate rises.
There are so many of us, after all, Wiremu thought, and we do such vitally important work.
No time to worry about that now, though. Wiremu had to think of his partner, who'd just started working with a government-funded agency, The Victims of Missionary Oppression Trust, heroically struggling to get "urgently needed community buy-in for the idea that the wearing of gang patches is an essential component of cultural identity within the broader context of ethnicity-specific socio-economic disadvantage."
Which clearly hadn't been going very well, Wiremu concluded as he walked through the door and heard Deidre's wrenching sobs. "What's wrong, my little taonga?" he tenderly inquired.
"It's Moeraki," she sobbed. "They had Careers Day at school today and now he wants to be" ... an anguished wail rent the air ... "a judge!!!"
"Oh no!!" Wiremu spluttered.
"Oh yes!!!" Deidre shrieked. "It's awful. We'll be a laughing stock. People will think he can't get anything right!!!"
"Cheer up, my little kereru,"said Wiremu tenderly. "By the time our boy gets to the Court of Appeal, no one will be able to take a case to the Privy Council. So he can make as many blunders as he likes and he won't be embarrassed."
"Yes, but people are still going to wonder what we did wrong while he was growing up that made him to set his sights so low," spluttered Deidre. "I mean, from now on, everyone's going to think being a Judge in New Zealand is like being relegated to the B Team! It's just awful!!!!"
"I don't suppose there were any jobs he was interested in?" Wiremu asked.
"Well he did say he'd quite like to be a Police Chief but I told that was out of the question because he didn't know how to show home movies," replied his companion, slowly regaining her composure.
"Phew!!!" sighed Wiremu. "Any other good news?"
"Well, the Budget was exciting," said Deidre. "Really exciting! We're going to be the Singapore of the South, apparently. 10 per cent income tax, 20 per cent sales tax, Compulsory Health Insurance and pension schemes and major cuts in low-value Government spending. Dr Cullen says we're too small and too isolated and if we don't take a bold new direction we'll just drift slowly into the Third World."
"You're joking!!!!!!" roared Wiremu, his face turned ghostly white.
"Of course I am," Deidre smiled wanly through her tears. "It's business as usual. No bribes till Election year."
"Thank God for that!" gasped Wiremu, giving his beloved a relieved and grateful hug. "How dare you tease me like that, you little minx!" He paused for a moment and chuckled indulgently. "Still and all," he added, "I shouldn't really complain. After the kind of day I've had, it's nice to have a good laugh!"
