Jim Hopkins: Let there be no bars on the use of Con Temporary Con Tainers

By all the powers in all the stars in the Matariki sky, I swear there are times when I could take this country by the scruff of its neck and give it a damn good smack on the bum.

Particularly when it becomes obsessed, as it regularly does, with some endless and witless argument about a matter so inconsequential as to make the location of Clochmerle's toilet appear, by comparison, to be an issue of global importance.

We are suckers for trivial arguments in Outer Roa.

The utter futility of our debates is matched only by the ferocious intensity with which we conduct them.

And although mere mention of corporal punishment will not sit well with the gorgeous S. Bradford, Listing M.P., it's now clear that nothing less than a hearty whack or sound thrashing is going to cure us of this dreadful addiction.

Consider if you will the passionate intensity with which we've lately been discussing the issue of prison accommodation - or, more precisely, the possibility of using shipping containers to provide such accommodation. Oh, for heaven's sake! Could we possibly talk about something important, like the imminent collapse of the dairy industry?

Because it's bleedin' obvious that we should be using shipping containers in prisons.

We have, after all, had recourse to such utilitarian solutions before.

Quite apart from the fact that a soggy foxhole and mug full of shrapnel for breakfast have long been regarded as more than sufficient for conscripts at war, it should not be forgotten that several generations of New Zealand's young and innocent educational inmates have been forced to serve their scholastic sentences in damp and draughty, freezing cold, prefabricated classrooms.

And if that was good enough for them, then the relative luxury of a shipping container is undoubtedly good enough for anyone bad enough to end up in the slammer.

So, unless and until some of those gormless university wallahs that Dr Sharples so foolishly wishes to inflict upon his noble race can actually assure us that they've finally found a cure for crime we are perfectly entitled to accommodate Her Majesty's felonious guests in the most economic manner possible.

Not that economics are the only consideration here. While the woolly woofters have been quick to condemn the use of containers for incarcerational purposes, we shouldn't overlook the exciting potential of this innovative proposal.

To begin with, it's going to get a lot of tin boxes off the Auckland waterfront, thereby ensuring this presently drab and dreary area will indeed become World Cup Party Central in 2011 - a place where Rugby players from all around the world can be set upon in the early hours of the morning.

Moreover with large numbers of containers coming ashore and going to gaol, a modern day Alexander Dumas very could well be inspired to pen a new best-seller, The Man In The Iron Maersk.

Better still, there's a wonderful rebranding opportunity here for the Corrections Department, whose somewhat tarnished image could be transformed in a trice with a romantic, nautical makeover.

Goodbye Corrections Department, hullo C & O - complete with zippy new marketing slogan, "Turning containers into Con Tainers."

No longer just a rusty box on the deck of a ship, the humble old container is transformed overnight into a vital tool of law and order, the Con Tainer.

And if there's too many Con Tainers in one place, no problem. Just move 'em. Bung them on a truck and take them somewhere else.

The good thing about a Con Tainer, as we know, is that it can be moved because it's designed to be moved. So every Con Tainer is not just a Con Tainer, it's also a Con Temporary Con Tainer, able to be transported hither and yon as and when required.

Which is no bad thing in a recession. Should some particular region of the country suddenly find that it had fallen upon the hardest of hard times, then a mobile prison - delivered as required - could be just the thing to create jobs and boost local industries until things improved.

One phone call from the local Mayor or Member of Parliament and C & O would be on the job, quickly and efficiently loading the requisite number of Con Temporary Con Tainers on to 'Heels on Wheels' trucks and dispatching them overnight.

There's no downside here. None whatsoever. It's an open and shut case. There's absolutely nothing wrong with turning containers into Con Tainers and we should stop getting our tats in a tingle about it.

There is no need to debate the matter, or indulge in great hand-wringing paroxysms of guilt either. A box is a box is a box. And provided a box is warm and dry and large enough, you can live in it.

Look, people are using containers to build houses, for crying out loud.

And if it's okay to sell them as rooms, then it must be okay to sell them as cells. And that's that.

If you don't want to be Tained, don't be a Con.