KEY POINTS:
YO, dude man bro babe Momma! U R lookin' b-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-d!
Which is g-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-d!
Or would be if more people were saying it. Particularly this week, because this is a special week.
This is National Yoof Week! Seven days expressly set aside to give those of us for whom Coolsville is just a place where the hotties burst a chance to forget our personal fibrillations and focus on the young, understand them better, rip the rap, hip the hop, sort the emos from the rambos and generally get in touch wid da whole homey, gangsta scene.
Heck, with a bit of luck, by Yoof Week's end, there may even be a few more folk in Wrinkle City who understand that the teenage cry, "Free Paris Hilton" isn't a demand for cheap accommodation!
Mind you, for that to happen, National Yoof Week would need to be an upbeat, positive and cuddlesome affair.
It would need to celebrate "the blushing promise of gilded youth, unburdened yet by life's mad truth".
Oh, come on, folks, be fair. There's $50,000 in the Budget for a poet laureate! You can't blame a man for trying!
Alas, that's not what's happened. There's been more indignation than celebration this week, principally inspired by these dipstick Subaroosters racing around in their souped-up WRX.
Their disorderly conduct has seen National Yoof Week dominated by a veritable litany of whys: "Why are they so irresponsible? Why isn't the drinking age raised? Why don't we have compulsory insurance? Why can't every 13-year-old be cryogenically frozen for a mandatory 10-year period?"
Given that there seems to be no immediate answer to these questions, other than the suggestion this week from our old grey mayors that we need tougher by-laws, the only consolation available to the vexed and perplexed is that we are not alone. Other countries are in exactly the same bind.
A recent trip to Singapore, to act as MC at the international Whatever Happened to Bird Flu? conference, amply proved the point. This may surprise those who consider Singapore a good example. And, to be fair, you can see why they do.
During my admittedly brief visit, I never heard a single person swear. Not once. In any language, including English, the tongue commonly used in the tiny republic.
We can only imagine what hideous repression, what oppressive emphasis on courtesy and manners may have produced this extraordinary situation. And we can only sympathise with the Yoof of Singapore, cruelly denied their inalienable right to share a rich lexicon of profanity with the rest of the world.
How liberating it would be if they could experience what we hear here - Orchard Rd would never sound the same again!
Neither would it feel so insufferably safe! Which it does - now. In fact the whole island feels safe. Any time, day or night. It's quite unnerving to wander round the bars and nightclubs - as tourists do - at 2 in the morning and feel utterly secure.
Admittedly, there was one young fellow much the worse for wear sprawled in a doorway (he was probably classed as litter and fined for leaving himself there) but other than that, no sense of menace, danger, dysfunction or violence whatsoever.
This must be of some cheer to the great and wise ones who manage our nation's increasingly fraught affairs. With reports that more and more Kiwis are leaving the country for all manner of reasons, it's reassuring to know that thrill-seeking isn't one of them.
Anyone bored with bungy-jumping but still desperate to take their life in their hands need only take a late-night trip into town - any town, with or without an industrial estate. Chances are you'll get all the danger and terror you seek right here! At home! Without incurring the horrendous expense of an overseas trip!
Having said that, there is a dark side to Singapore, as this shocking front page story from the New Paper (that's what it's called) demonstrates: "Student hurts SBS bus driver, 53" was the introduction. Then, in even bigger letters, "No Respect. He abuses driver over girl's bus pass. No Restraint. He allegedly keeps hitting driver despite pleas." And finally, in the biggest letters of all, "No shame. Dad goes on knees to say sorry on son's behalf."
Pages 2, 3 and 4 carried a full report, describing how the student "from a top school" hit the driver. "Passengers plead with boy to stop" during an argument after his girlfriend's bus pass had been confiscated.
A photo showing the driver mournfully pointing to the ripped pocket on his shirt and quotes from witnesses - "How can a young boy punch an old man? It's shameful for a student to do this, especially in uniform" - revealed the true enormity of the incident, as did the boy's father's later visit to the bus terminal to kneel and "beg forgiveness for his son".
Bear in mind, 4 million people in Singapore saw that story a mere six days after 4 million people here had seen headlines - all on the same front page - like "Weekend of mayhem, my baby's been shot", and "Teen: 'I saw bodies flying everywhere'."
Which only goes to show they've got exactly the same problems in Singapore that we have here.
Well nearly the same. Sort of. Maybe. Or will have. One day ... if they ever come to their senses and adopt the stunningly successful policies that are serving us so well.
