Jim Hopkins: Forget Queen St, the biggest boobs are in Wellington

That Boobs on Bikes thing was a disappointment, wouldn't you say?

Of course you would. (Work with me on this!!) Hell ... whoops! No! Can't say that. Might offend the Ministry of Education.

Take 2: Heck, where were the boobs?

Look, there were no councillors. Well, none of the sensitive, caring ones who whacked an extra 13 per cent on the rates bill anyway.

And Taito Phillip Field didn't feature. Or, if he did, we didn't see him.

In fact, none of the parliamentary till-ticklers turned up. You know, those splendid boobs who were explicitly told by the Chief Electoral Officer - before the election - that they could not use parliamentary funds to pay for election propaganda ... and did so anyway.

Try doing that with the IRD sometime. Go on! Go in and tell 'em your accountant is adamant you can't claim half a mill for your Christmas cards so would they kindly give you the cheque ... immediately!

Always assuming Christmas cards are still legal. They probably aren't. Let's face it, they could be accidentally delivered to someone who's deeply humiliated by their contents.

Or, worse still, intentionally delivered to someone who's deeply humiliated because they're not deeply humiliated by their contents.

Boy, you'd feel a real boob then, wouldn't you?

Speaking of which, we didn't see any of those Education boobs who want to put the kibosh on prayers in schools whizzing down Queen St, either.

Mind you, they don't whiz anywhere. They just hide away in offices deciding what this week's propaganda in schools should be.

Or shouldn't be.

Apparently, according to their new "guidelines" on prayers, some are all right but others are not.

Specifically, the Christian ones.

We can't have that sort of superstitious malarkey being rammed down the kiddies' throats. And while that may well be a view endorsed by leading secular organisations like the Anglican Church, it does raise a few perplexing issues.

Particularly since the Education boobies are reportedly totally cool about some spiritual stuff in schools - just not all of it.

If, for example, the tiny tots pray a prayer exclusively devoted to Maori spiritual matters, that's okay.

And it is, let's be clear!!! Absolutely clear!!!!

Merely because some enormous Ministerial boobs want to ram another divisive and nonsensical distinction down everyone else's throat is no reason to participate in their ludicrous crusade.

So, again, let's be clear. Maori spiritual matters are not the issue.

Definitely not. Most of us would probably agree there's nothing like a bit of pantheism to raise the moral tone.

The issue is daft (and possibly devious) bureaucratic hypocrisy.

What these sad boobs are saying is it's perfectly acceptable if the nation's 5-year-olds offer up a few in-school prayers to the Rock God, the Tree God, the Sea God and the Rain God. They just can't pray to the God God.

At least, not the one who appears in the Bible that was used when the new Maori King was sworn in. That one is an absolute no-no! By all means suffer the little children to "love thy neighbour" - but don't tell them who said it first.

Listen, boobs! - not that you will, though it's worth a try.

It would be nice, it would be really, really nice, if you could somehow get it into your silicon-filled heads that all us yobby, blobby pillocks actually want is a bit of consistency!!!

Not a lot. Only a bit. All or nothing would be fine. Everything in or everything out. That's hunky-dory. But not having a spiritual bob each way.

That's wrong!

There is no "spiritual" in s ... e ... c ... u ... l ... a ... r.

None! Full stop. End of story.

So please don't use the Bill of Rights as an excuse for your social engineering.

Alternatively, and here's a radical thought, if prayer is such an important matter, let the parents decide.

Oh, gosh! They've all fainted. Every boob has drooped.

Can the Air Force please fly some smelling salts down to Wellington immediately!!!!

Quite a lot, actually. This is a major emergency.

Still, with a little luck, once revived, our thrusting little edu-boobs may realise it's not a totally silly idea.

After all, parents are allowed to vote and elect the bureaucrats' bosses - although things may possibly change in that regard if the ungrateful sods kick up too much of a fuss about the parlo-boobs misusing their pocket money.

Nevertheless, for the moment, parents are allowed to vote in elections, so perhaps they could be trusted to vote on how things are done at their school.

Well, technically, their spiritually endangered offspring's school, but you get the gist.

The point is, maybe, just maybe, given all the consultation there has to be about everything these days, not to mention what you read about modern schools and how they don't operate on a "them and us" basis with the bossy old teacher laying down the law while the kids just sit up straight and pay attention, maybe the same wonderfully inclusive and nurturing, collegial, participatory and self-actualising process could also apply to issues concerning the poor old mums and dads.

After all, the mums and dads are the ones who pay the taxes that fund the boobocrats who didactically tell them that whatever happens in education is actually none of their business!!!!

It'll happen. Of course it'll happen. They're nice boobs in Wellington. They'll let parents have a say ... just as soon as Dick Hubbard has finished nude wrestling in jelly with Steve Crow to rescue the virtue of Auckland.