Jim Hopkins: Brilliance of Homo Electus has the Gods in a right tizz

Every so often, some seemingly trivial matter rouses the unlettered classes to a maddened frenzy. It might be Mr Morgan's underwear, or Mr Dickinson's merciless battering of the hapless pea in his much-abused whistle, but whatever the trigger a vast tsunami of outrage sweeps across Outer Roa, leaving chaos and disarray in its bilious path.

We've seen an example of this lately, inspired, as these things often are, by the inability of Homo Redneckus to appreciate the brilliance of other, more highly evolved species.

Most notable of which is Homo Electus, that sapient group of parliamentarians whose obvious intellectual superiority means they always know what's best for the rest of us.

If only Homo Redneckus could accept this. If only the dull minds of the unenlightened could comprehend how gifted Homo Electus is, we wouldn't have these outbursts of incoherent wrath.

But, alas, we do, with the most recent eruption inspired by a solitary clause in the Care of Children Bill.

Clause 17(2) is the clause in question and a simple clause it is. Yet it achieves a wondrous thing, a truly miraculous transformation. Indeed, it's fair to say this tiny clause does something no doddering deity has managed in a multitude of millenniums.

It's true. None of them has done what Clause 17(2) does. Not Vishnu, not Krishna, not Buddha, not Allah, not God (bless her), not Rangi, nor even Apothraxia, the ancient Babylonian turtle spirit who supported all life on his massive shell.

You can imagine the deities' chagrin. They must be gnashing their teeth in the firmament.

Fancy creating all things wise and wonderful, all creatures great and small, only to be upstaged by little old Homo Electus who, at the stroke of a pen, has exposed them as a bunch of bumbling incompetents who wouldn't noah their ark from their elbow.

Should any obtuse souls remain unaware of the stupendous change effected by Clause 17(2) of the Care of Children Bill, here's what it says: "The father of a child may by operation of part 2 of the Status of Children Act 1969 ... be a reference to the same-sex de facto partner of the mother of the child."

So that's it. Mrs is Mr and woman is man. After centuries of trial and error, Homo Electus has finally mastered a new tool, the law, and used it to fashion the female father. Oh, Helen of Joy, what wonders hath thou wrought? Move over, deities, your work is done.

Or would be if this magnificent achievement hadn't caused Homo Redneckus to throw a monumentally moronic tantrum which may yet see Clause 17 (2) sent to the shredder.

We must hope not, for the properly educated classes undoubtedly support such gendetic engineering. It's even inspired our Poet Laureate, Mr Jam Hipkins, who clearly endorses the Gummint's clause:

A lesbian mummy was sad

'Bout the father her son never had

Until her de facto

Got caught in the Act-o

Now Doreen is Daniel's new Dad

The laureate has also crafted a tender and sympathetic rhyme for kiddies like Daniel should they ever feel alienated or upset:

I was born in a test tube, conceived in the hp+1:5lab

My womb was a bottle that sat on a slab

My Mum is a lady who's my special chum

And so is my Dad, who's the same as my hp+1:5Mum

The other heartening thing about Clause 17 (2) is that variations could work wonders elsewhere. Take the vexed matter of Gummint blunders. Now, we know they're never the politicians' fault. We know there's always some gormless little official who can't answer back who's really to blame - usually because he didn't give good advice or he did give bad advice and will, therefore, have his ministerial biscuit ration immediately halved.

Well then, make it law. Draft a Clause 17 (2)(a)(Sub-section ccxx)(Part 3) that expressly states: "In the unlikely event of the Government ever making a cock-up, that cock-up may, by operation of part 2 of the Status of Cock-Ups Act, 1969 ... be an automatic and incontrovertible reference to some useless official, nah nah ne nah nah."

Another version - Draft Clause 17(2)(Sub-section tvnz)(Part 5, paragraph 1) - could easily read: "Any confused and bewildered person answering to the name of Parekura Horormovie may, by operation of part 2 of the Status of Cabinet Act, 1969 ... be automatically deemed to be a thoroughly competent minister who's completely on top of his portfolio even if he hasn't got the foggiest idea what's going on."

Future amendments could turn Stuart Dickinson into a competent referee, make the power shortage a glut and even reverse the score in last Saturday's test.

With such glittering prospects a mere sentence away, we should be clamouring to enter this new Jerusalem post-haste.

So let's get the bill rowling, people. Let's tell Homo Electus we want Clause 17(2) passed into law immediately. And let silly old Homo Redneckus just get used to his lesbian Dad.