Hastings would be a perfect place to host an Olympic Games, writes Wyn Drabble. Photo / Supplied
Wyn Drabble is a teacher of English, writer, public speaker and musician. He is based in Hawke’s Bay and likes to write with a satirical bent.
OPINION
Watching footage of the Paris Olympics opening ceremony inspired me to encourage Kiwis to have a crack.
Okay, we haven’t got the megabucks that the French are obviously spending but we do have a can-do attitude and that’s why I feel we can make a confident bid to stage a future Olympic Games.
To match the opening on the Seine I first thought of Hamilton (Waikato River) and Christchurch (Avon River).
But then it struck me in the head like a wayward rowing oar; by having it on a river rather than in a stadium, they were trying to be original. Why be copycats? We can be original too.
After what amounted to a marathon of deliberation, I decided on Hastings. No significant river, I know, but it does have a handsome railway line running right through the middle of the CBD.
The opening parade of athletes would not be by bateau mouche but by train. The visitors would stand in open goods wagons from which they would vigorously wave their national flags.
Around Hastings’ central water feature would be an attractive hub for operations. For many overseas visitors it could well be the first time they have ever encountered concrete sheep.
By good fortune, the Hastings Performance Stage sits right beside the water feature so welcome speeches could be delivered from there. After the pleasantries, there could be live entertainment and because I’ve had so much experience on that stage I would be willing to sing a few songs.
I’d even do it free of charge so just think of the savings over Lady Gaga or Celine Dion, savings which could go towards making a feature of the central clock tower. What I’m thinking here is masses of sparklers sticking like hedgehog quills from every surface of the tower.
Lighting them all wouldn’t be without issues but our can-do attitude will find a way. Maybe number 8 wire could be involved.
There are certainly plenty of sports facilities around the Hastings District so not much expensive building would be required. To cite just one example, I’m sure the Karamu Stream could be bulldozed out a bit to accommodate canoe slalom. At high tide the Clive River would probably accommodate the rowing without having to be widened by much.
I wondered about moving ice skating and ice hockey to the summer games but, at first, could not think of a venue. Then it hit me like a powerfully-directed shuttlecock; we could freeze the water in the central water feature. Or the duck pond at Cornwall Park.
I wrestled with the problem of a luge venue. My first thought was to use the water slides at Splash Planet because it’s only a hop, step and jump away from the operations hub. I eventually accepted that wouldn’t provide a long enough run so, after more rigorous mental gymnastics, I accepted that some events would simply have to be at satellite venues.
Luge could go to Rotorua. After all, the surfing for the Paris Olympics is located in Tahiti and that’s a lot more than a three-hour bus ride away from the Eiffel Tower.
On the catering front, I suggest we set up gas barbecues all around the central water feature then, to further highlight the Kiwi can-do attitude, locals could contribute food on a pot-luck basis. The cuisine would probably centre on the humble sausage (though there could also be chops).
Some of the weightlifters might volunteer to lug the gas bottles as a warm-up.
You might also be wondering about accommodation for the thousands of athletes and their entourages.
I say, I think I’m on to a winner here so let’s just cross that hurdle when we get to it.